Pirates of the Cocoabean: Curse of the Bad Parody
by poeismyhero
Summary: No one is safe in the world of the Cocoabean! MWAHAHA! Yes, from Aflac ducks to failed heroics, I – poeismyhero – vow to create a parody that will have you ROFL before you can Twitter! Warning: character bashing - it’s a parody, people!
1. Chapter 1: A Princess's Life

PIRATES OF THE COCOABEAN: CURSE OF THE BAD PARODY

Hello there! Welcome to my first attempt at fanfiction! Instead of going with something challenging and so popular it makes you nauseous, like Sparrabeth stories, time travel, or movie characters' long lost daughters (why is Jack Sparrow incapable of having a son?), I have decided to make a stupid parody that even Jack the monkey could do!

So how is my story different, you ask? One word: totally freakin' awesome commentary! Okay, so that was four words, but you get my drift. Anyway, on with the show! POEISMYHERO _pulls out a huge tub of popcorn and finishes half of it during the previews._

Title scene (yay, no opening credits!)

Ext. Foggy ship. Basically the definition of creepy.

YOUNG ELIZABETH _sings "A Pirate's Life for Me" totally emo like, because she can't watch Spongebob Squarepants on the telly._

MR. GIBBS

(Freaks ELIZABETH out by grabbing her)

Don't sing about pirates! Even over miles of ocean and the sounds of cannon fire, they can hear you singing about them. If they do, they'll abandon their dramatic fight scenes just to rush over here and turn you into a flaming shish kabob! And "A Pirate's Life for Me" shouldn't be sung emo like!

NORRINGTON

(Walks up all pompous and stuff)

Mr. Gibbs, stop freaking out Elizabeth.

MR. GIBBS

But it's bad luck to sing about pirates! Especially while we're sailing in the basic definition of creepy. Do you even know where we're going?

NORRINGTON

No, but I do know your pirate accent and superstitions are getting on my nerves. Go swab the deck.

MR. GIBBS

So much for luxury cruises.

(Chugs down some rum before swabbing again)

YOUNG ELIZABETH

I think it would be cool to be kidnapped by murderous drunks.

NORRINGTON

I don't! They stink and they're songs are really annoying. The next time I hear a pirate sing, I'll give him a short drop and a sudden stop.

YOUNG ELIZABETH

Say what?

MR. GIBBS

A hanging, you dimwit.

YOUNG ELIZABETH

(Thoroughly disgusted)

Oh.

GOVENOR SWANN

(Appears randomly)

Norrington, stop freaking out my daughter, although I'm not sure why a hanging would be scarier than pirates.

YOUNG ELIZABETH

I still like pirates, though.

GOVERNOR SWANN

One of the negative effects of Disney's mother killing frenzy.

YOUNG ELIZABETH _looks out at sea. Creepy music plays. A parasol floats toward the boat._

YOUNG ELIZABETH

Wow, a parasol! I've always wanted one, although I would like a boy better.

YOUNG WILL, _unconscious,_ _floats toward the boat._

YOUNG ELIZABETH

(Screams like a fangirl and claps her hands)

Yay! My wish came true!

NORRINGTON _overhears her girlish screams of delight and looks in her direction._

NORRINGTON

Adolescent overboard!

NORRINGTON _and_ OTHER SAILORS_ haul_ YOUNG WILL _onto deck._ ELIZABETH _stares at_ YOUNG WILL_, trying to imagine him without a shirt._

NORRINGTON

He's still breathing.

MR. GIBBS

Lookie, lookie!

EVERYONE _turns to see a flaming shish kabob of a ship. Which is weird, because it's on the water._

GOVERNOR SWANN

What happened?

NORRINGTON

I think it was an explosion of ammo, because I'm too stuck up and pompous to think of any other explanation.

MR. GIBBS

Hello, stupid much? It was pirates! I foreshadowed this already!

GOVERNOR SWANN

There's no proof!

MR. GIBBS _motions to the burning ship in his defense._

GOVERNOR SWANN

Oh, well…let's go look for survivors!

(Turns to YOUNG ELIZABETH)

Elizabeth, go take care of the boy.

YOUNG ELIZABETH

Yay!

(Runs to YOUNG WILL and gently strokes his hair for no reason whatsoever)

YOUNG WILL, _after being thrown around and dropped on the ship, is woken by this small touch. He gasps and grabs her._

YOUNG ELIZABETH

Hi, I'm Elizabeth, your future girlfriend!

YOUNG WILL

Will Turner…

(Faints because he realizes he only has one line in the whole freakin' movie)

YOUNG ELIZABETH

Hey, I'm speaking to you! Don't faint on me!

(Notices MEDALLION)

Well, because you're so rude, I'll take this shiny thing!

(Takes it, then notices the skull on it)

You're a pirate!

(Squeals in delight)

NORRINGTON

(Hears her squeal of delight and walks over)

Did he say anything yet?

YOUNG ELIZABETH

(Hides MEDALLION)

His name's Will Turner. He's also extremely cute!

NORRINGTON, _a little freaked out, walks away. _YOUNG ELIZABETH _looks back at the medallion. She sees a ship with tattered black sails in the horizon._

BLACK PEARL

Lookie, lookie!

YOUNG ELIZABETH

Oh, a pirate ship! I'm gonna make a wish!

(Shuts eyes)

Int. Elizabeth's room

ELIZABETH

(Wakes up)

Wow, I just had a reverse dejá vu!

ELIZABETH _gets up and opens drawer. She pushes a button revealing a false bottom. Inside lies _WILL'SMEDALLION_, dusty from lack of use._

MEDALLION

The light…I see the light! Reach for it…reach for it!

ELIZABETH

Why do I keep this thing? Oh, yeah, pirates!

(Puts MEDALLION on and models herself in front of the mirror)

GOVERNOR SWANN

(Knocks on door)

Elizabeth? Are you doing anything pirate related?

ELIZABETH

No, of course not!

(Throws robe on and hides medallion where no one will ever find it – in that canyon she calls cleavage)

Come in!

POEISMYHERO

Don't you 17th century English people have any decency?

ELIZABETH

Nope!

GOVERNOR SWANN

(Enters room)

I have a gift for you, Elizabeth!

(Pulls out iron maiden/dress)

ELIZABETH

I wanted an iPhone.

GOVERNOR SWANN

Here, put it on!

(Thrusts it into Elizabeth's hands)

I want you to wear this deadly contraption to today's ceremony, so Norrington will think you're dying and marry you before you do!

ELIZABETH

(Disgusted)

But he's, like, ten years older than me!

GOVERNOR SWANN

Yes, but he has a wig now. Like me!

(Dances around with wig on)

ELIZABETH

You're not fooling anyone.

GOVERNOR SWANN

(Depressed)

I know.

BUTLER

(Enters room)

Someone's here to see you, sir.

GOVERNOR SWANN

Yay! I can show off my wig!

(Follows BUTLER)

Int. Foyer

WILL

Oh, how pretty.

(Breaks candle thingy)

Darn! I'll hide it in this umbrella stand. No one will look in there!

POEISMYHERO

Question. If they're too stupid to look in the umbrella stand, won't they be too stupid to notice that it's gone?

WILL

Hey, I didn't write the bloody script.

TED ELLIOT AND TERRY ROSSIO

Hey!

WILL _throws candle thingy at the writers, knocking them out._

POEISMYHERO

Well, that explains a lot.

(Runs to the bathroom because that popcorn she had earlier now has decided to seek out its revenge)

GOVERNOR SWANN

(Skips down the stairs like the gay, girly man he is)

Hello Will!

(Trips and falls down stairs, then gets up and brushes off wig like nothing ever happened)

WILL

I have that sword for Commodore Norrington, although I don't know why I'm giving it to you.

(Opens case and pulls out sword)

GOVERNOR SWANN

Ooo, shiny!

WILL

It's shiny, expensive…

(Flips sword around)

And it does tricks!

POEISMYHERO

(Back from bathroom)

You just caught that by the blade. How come your hands aren't seriously injured?

WILL

Do you ever stop asking questions?

POEISMYHERO

Nope!

GOVERNOR SWANN

(Totally oblivious to POEISMYHERO)

Wonderful! Give my compliments to your master!

WILL

No one appreciates me.

ELIZABETH

(Walks down stairs as sexy music plays in the background, then flips hair in slow motion. Speaks in a sultry voice)

Hello, Will. I dreamt about you last night.

WILL

(Totally oblivious)

Really?

ELIZABETH

Yes, about the day we met. Do you remember?

WILL

How could I forget, Miss Swann? Even though I was unconscious 99% of the time.

ELIZABETH

(Whining like a little girl)

Call me Elizabeth!

(She leaves with GOVERNOR SWANN in super stretch limo)

Goodbye, Mr. Turner!

WILL

Goodbye … Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH

(In carriage, speaking to herself)

Yay, dramatic pause! He totally likes me!


	2. Pirates Ye Be Warned Of Randomness!

**Hello all! I just wanted to thank Jennifer Lynn Weston, RemmyBlack, Scourge of the Caspian, and edwardislauras for your reviews and favoriting me (on my first chappie!) Anyway, I will be posting this parody on a MWF basis, unless school work gets to be too much of a hassle (but that's not likely). This chapter is a little shorter than my other ones b/c I'm trying to follow the DVD chapters (cause I'm an overachiever), but the chapters WILL get longer, so just stay tuned.**

**And now, the character you've all been waiting for: Jack Sparrow!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas.**

* * *

Ext. Ocean

JACK SPARROW_, the coolest pirate ever, makes his entrance in a leaky boat (you know a guy's cool when he makes a leaking boat look cool). He salutes to a couple of hanging skeletons._

JACK SPARROW

Hi, Jim!

JIM (PIRATE SKELETON #3)

Mornin' Jack!

JACK _notices the sign next to _JIM_. It reads "Head-on, Apply Directly to Your Forehead!"_

JACK

Bloody advertisements.

_He enters the harbor, in the definition of awesome._

HARBORMASTER

Hey, you just docked in a no docking zone!

(Pulls out Official Caribbean Sailor's Handbook)

And boating regulations require that any boat being docked at Port Royal must be at least 5 inches above the water!

JACK

Who reads those things?

HARBORMASTER

(Ignores him)

That'll be one shilling and I'll have to know your name.

JACK

(Pulls out three coins)

How about three shillings and we forget I was ever here, comprendé?

HARBORMASTER

I don't know Spanish, but I've decided to let you off with a warning, Mr. Smith!

JACK

(Smiles and walks away, but not before pocketing the HARBORMASTER'S money)

Eight shillings? No wonder he's so grumpy.

Ext. Fort

NORRINGTON _acts all British-like at ceremony. _ELIZABETH _looks like she is about to faint and seems to be internally bleeding from the spikes in her dress._

Ext. Fancy navy dock

JACK _saunters up to the Interceptor. _MURTOGG_ and _MULLROY_ are immediately on alert and block him from the ship._

MURTOGG

This dock is off-limits to civilians.

JACK

(Mutters under his breath)

Not another one.

(Speaking normally)

Seems like you two didn't get invited to the party over there.

(Points to the fort where dance club music is faintly pumping)

MULLROY

Darn! We never get invited!

JACK

Can I look at that boat out there?

(Motions to the _Dauntless_)

If I were a pirate, and I'm not saying I am, I would love to steal it.

MULLROY

No.

MURTOGG

Well, the _Dauntless_ is fine, but the _Interceptor_ happens to be the fastest ship in the Caribbean.

JACK

I know one that's faster. The _Black Pearl._

MULLROY

Yeah, right. That's a legend.

MURTOGG

Then why would they name the movie after it? The curse part puzzles me, though.

MULLROY

Don't give away the plot!

(Starts strangling MURTOGG)

JACK _starts whistling the theme song and walks past them onto the boat. After a while, _MURTOGG _and_ MULLROY_ notice him trying to hotwire the ship._

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Note: I actually played the POTC theme song on handbells at chorus camp (yes, I'm a geek, I know) It was really cool because there was a storm going on outside, so every once in a while you'd hear a faint rumble of thunder. We had a lot of people doing handbells that year (it seriously was my first time playing handbells), so halfway through, we sang "A Pirate's Life for Me" while we were switching positions. It was seriously the coolest concert ever!

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MULLROY

Hey! You! Stop that!

JACK

(Looks up from hood)

But it's such a lovely boat.

MULLROY

(Eyes him suspiciously)

What's your name?

JACK

Um...Johnny Depp?

MULLROY

And what's your business, Mr. Depp?

MURTOGG

And no lies!

JACK

Very well, I'll confess. I intend to pillage, plunder, rifle, and loot. Oh, and commandeer one of your pretty boats while you stand there like idiots.

MURTOGG

I said no lies!

MULLROY

I think he's telling the truth.

MURTOGG

No, he wouldn't! That would give away the plot!

JACK

Unless the movie's already on DVD, in which case, it doesn't matter.

MURTOGG

What's a DVD?

Ext. Fort

ELIZABETH _is starting to turn blue from lack of oxygen. _NORRINGTON, _oblivious to _ELIZABETH'S_ plight, escorts her over to a parapet._

NORRINGTON

Elizabeth, I know I'm, like, ten years older than you, but my new wig has given me the confidence to speak my mind. And just for dramatic effect, I'm going to turn away from you and start babbling like an idiot.

ELIZABETH

I…can't…breathe…

NORRINGTON

Hello, dramatic moment? Don't interrupt me!

ELIZABETH _starts choking and gasping for air. She falls off the parapet, while _NORRINGTON_ babbles on like an idiot before realizing that the sound of _ELIZABETH'S _gasping has disappeared. He turns around just in time to see _ELIZABETH _plummet into the water._

NORRINGTON

NOOOOOOOOO!

Ext. The Interceptor

JACK

(Deep in conversation with MURTOGG and MULLROY)

And that's where babies come from.

(Turns to see Elizabeth plummet into water)

* * *

**Oooo, a CLIFFHANGER!!! MWAHAHAHA!**

**Well, not really, since the parody follows the movie, and you shouldn't be reading POTC fanfiction if you haven't seen the movie.**

**...**

**Read & review for more sexy Jack!**


	3. Chapter 3: Eunuch

**I'm baaaaaack! MWAHAHAHA!**

**Yes, like those annoying ads that keeps popping up every freakin' time I try to watch something on YouTube (grrrrrrr), I have popped up once again to bring you the third installment in my series of randomness. Oh, and to answer your question, RemmyBlack, it's Jack Sparrow - the man who roped sea turtles with his own back hair (ew!). Actually, I might have that as a one-shot later on...as soon as my pressure headaches let up (darn rain!) Anyway, enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas.**

Ext. Parapet (go look it up in the dictionary!)

NORRINGTON

(Still screaming dramatically)

NOOOOOOOOOO! I must rescue her!

RANDOM SOLDIER

Don't!

NORRINGTON

Why?

RANDOM SOLDIER

Because you're not hot and sexy enough to rescue her!

_Both run away to find someone who is._

Ext. Interceptor

JACK

After you.

MULLROY

I can't swim!

JACK

Then you're in the wrong movie, mate. Hold these.

(Hands MURTOGG his stuff, then jumps into water to rescue ELIZABETH)

ELIZABETH, _unconscious, sinks to the bottom. Her _MEDALLION_ escapes her cleavage and burps loudly, creating an underwater earthquake._

MEDALLION

Ugh, that's the last time I supersize my fries.

JACK _reaches _ELIZABETH _and rescues her, but not before tearing off her overdress. _

POEISMYHERO

Getting a little ahead of yourself, aren't you, Jack?

_They break the surface and _JACK _hands _ELIZABETH _over to _MURTOGG _and _MULLROY_, who are waiting for him on the dock._

MULLROY

She's not breathing!

JACK

(Sarcastic)

Really? I hadn't noticed.

_He pulls out a knife and cuts off the iron maiden – I mean corset. _ELIZABETH_ immediately regains consciousness and starts breathing again._

MULLROY

I never would have thought of that.

JACK

Apparently, you've never been to Singapore.

MURTOGG

I didn't know they practiced medieval torture there!

JACK _rolls eyes. He spots the _MEDALLION_._

JACK

(To ELIZABETH)

Where did you get that?

ELIZABETH

Um…eBay?

NORRINGTON _suddenly appears out of nowhere and puts his sword on _JACK'S _throat._

NORRINGTON

You have the right to remain silent.

GOVERNOR SWANN

Elizabeth, are you okay? Did he rape you?

(Puts his jacket around ELIZABETH in order to cover up her indecency)

ELIZABETH

I'm fine. Wet and in my underwear, but fine.

(Notices JACK and NORRINGTON)

Commodore Norrington, please don't kill him. He rescued me!

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And now a note from Robert Ebert's Glossary of Movie Terms (taken lovingly from my screenwriting guide)!!!

**Wet.** In Hollywood story conferences, suggested alternative to nude, as in: "If she won't take off her clothes, can we wet her down?" Suggested by Harry Cohn's remark about swimming star Esther Williams: "Dry, she ain't much. Wet, she's a star."

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NORRINGTON

(Grumbles a little under his breath and lets go of JACK)

I'm sorry. Let's be friends.

(Extends his hand)

JACK_, a little confused, shakes _NORRINGTON'S_ hand._

NORRINGTON

Psyche!

(Tears off half of JACK'S sleeve, revealing a P on his arm)

P is for pirate!

JACK

I wondered what that stood for.

GOVERNOR SWANN

Hang him!

NORRINGTON

(Ignores GOVERNOR SWANN and rips off another piece of JACK'S sleeve to reveal a bird tattoo)

Well, well, Jack Sparrow.

JACK

Captain Jack Sparrow. And stop ruining my shirt!

NORRINGTON

I don't see your ship, captain.

JACK

It's in the shop at the moment.

MURTOGG

He said he came to commandeer one, sir. These are his.

(Gives NORRINGTON JACK'S stuff)

NORRINGTON

(Examines JACK'S stuff while wearing latex gloves - to prevent the transfer of JACK'S germs)

A compass that doesn't point North…a pistol with no extra bullets…and a…COSMO magazine?

MULLROY

(Blushes)

That's Murtogg's.

MURTOGG

Is not!

MURTOGG _and_ MULLROY _start fighting again._ NORRINGTON _rolls his eyes and ignores them._

NORRINGTON

(To JACK)

You are without a doubt the worst pirate I have ever heard of. And that's saying something.

JACK

But you have heard of me. Most of the people watching this movie have only just met me.

NORRINGTON _orders random soldier to shackle _JACK_. _ELIZABETH_, afraid that her hot and sexy rescuer will be hanged, runs to defend him._

ELIZABETH

Commodore, this man saved my life. I won't let you harm him!

NORRINGTON

You're just doing that because he's a hot and sexy pirate.

ELIZABETH

(Blushes)

Maybe, maybe not.

JACK

I'm glad you think that, love,

(Throws shackles over her head)

because you just became my leverage.

ELIZABETH

I don't like you anymore.

JACK

(To the soldiers)

My stuff?

_The _SOLDIERS _give him his stuff._

JACK

(To ELIZABETH)

If you'll be so kind?

ELIZABETH

(Puts on Jack's stuff)

I hate you.

JACK

No, you don't. I'm too smexy to be hated.

(To SOLDIERS)

You will always remember this day as the day you almost captured the infamous - and handsome - Captain Jack Sparrow.

JACK _grabs a rope and runs away._

GOVERNOR SWANN

Shoot him!

NORRINGTON

Will you let us do our job?

NORRINGTON _and _SOLDIERS_ fire at _JACK_, who dodges every bullet and gets away as awesomely as he can._

POEISMYHERO

(Sarcastic)

Didn't see that one coming.

Ext. Town

SEARCH PARTY _looks for _JACK_. They're so stupid they don't even look behind the statue, where _JACK _is hiding. _JACK _takes the statue's sword._

POEISMYHERO

Wait, why isn't the sword attached to the statue?

JACK

Because it wouldn't be a pirate movie if it was.

JACK _sneaks into Blacksmith's forge, leaving _POEISMYHERO_ confused._

Int. Blacksmith forge

JACK _looks around. He spots _MR. BROWN _drunk in a chair. He takes out a Sharpie and draws a crazy mustache on his face._

JACK

That's for drinking all the rum.

JACK _desperately tries to get the shackles off, but not before tenderly putting his hat on a shelf. He tries a sledge (doesn't work), ABRACADABRA (still doesn't work), then he pisses off _ASPCA_ and hurts the_ DONKEY_. He puts the shackles on the wheel, where the chain breaks in the cogs. _JACK _is about to do a victory dance when he hears someone enter the room. He hides. _WILL _enters, totally oblivious, as usual. He notices his Sharpied mentor still dozing in the chair_.

WILL

(Turns to cameras)

Remember, kids, don't drink alcohol, unless you want to end up like him.

(Motions to MR. BROWN)

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Note: Abracadabra is actually an ancient spell word from Biblical times, roughly meaning "begone!" Often inscribed on a triangle, it was a medieval charm against disease. (Eyewitness books: Witches and Magic-makers)

Note of note: I know this is a random note, but it's a random parody, so sue me (don't literally, though, 'cause I'm a college student – I don't exactly have pools of cash floating around).

Note of note of note: Just because I'm a college student doesn't mean I can't look back on good old Eyewitness picture books every now and then. (Sticks out tonuge like a five year old).

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WILL _notices that his sledge is out of place. He then notices a hat lying near it. He reaches out to it, only to get a slap of the hand by _JACK'S sword.

JACK

No one messes with Hatty, savvy?

WILL

You're a pirate!

JACK

I prefer to be called a Buccaneer American.

(Frowns)

You look familiar. Have I robbed you before?

WILL

I make it a point not to have any connection with pirates.

JACK

And I make it a point not to be caught. Goodbye!

WILL _grabs a sword and points it at _JACK.

JACK

Don't be stupid, boy.

WILL

You threatened Miss Swann.

JACK

After rescuing her! Dwell on the negatives, much?

_They start to duel._

JACK

Very nice. Now let's see your technique.

WILL

Alright!

(Does an arabesque, then a pirouette)

JACK

Your dueling technique!

WILL

(Embarrassed)

Oh.

_They practice their footwork. _JACK _finds himself in front of the door. He sticks out his tongue and runs to the door._ _Realizing he has been tricked,_ WILL _throws his sword into door, trapping _JACK.

POEISMYHERO

Not bad for a eunuch.

JACK

Ditto.

(Turns to WILL)

That's a great trick. Will you pull a sword out of thin air, next?

WILL _does exactly that._

JACK

Bugger.

_They fight. _JACK _takes _WILL'S _sword, but _WILL_ picks up another one after somersaulting._

JACK

Who makes all these?

WILL

I do! And I practice with them at least three hours a day.

JACK

You need to get a girl, mate. Unless you're such a cowardly little boy that you found one but you call her Miss instead of using her first name. You aren't a eunuch, are you?

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Note: This is the first of two times that Jack (officially) calls Will a eunuch throughout the entire movie. It wasn't even included in the first screenplay of POTC: COTBP. Who knew one line would become so immortalized in fanfiction history?

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WILL

I practice three hours a day so I can kill a pirate!

JACK

So you can impress Elizabeth? Trust me, I got her to take off her dress in five minutes. You don't have to kill a pirate to impress _her._

_They fight some more, using some cartoonish gags here and there. Finally, _JACK_ gets sick of all this bloody fighting and pulls out a gun. He points it at _WILL.

WILL

That's not fair.

JACK

Life's not fair.

SEARCH PARTY _seems to have FINALLY noticed the racket coming from the blacksmith forge. _JACK _steps forward. _WILL _blocks the door._

JACK

Move.

WILL

No.

JACK

Please move?

WILL

No!

JACK

Pretty please with a cherry on top?

WILL

NO! I won't let you escape!

JACK

(Cocks gun)

This shot is meant for someone else.

POEISMYHERO

Ooo, foreshadowing!

WILL

Do you mind? We're having a private moment.

POEISMYHERO

(Turns to cameras)

Take note, fanfiction writers.

_Suddenly, _MR. BROWN_ appears and hits both _POEISMYHERO _and _JACK _over the head with a rum bottle each. They drop to the floor like stones. _SOLDIERS _finally break into room and swarm the place._

NORRINGTON

Wonderful work, Mr. Brown. You've helped us capture one of the men on the EITC's most wanted list.

MR. BROWN

Just doing my duty, sir.

NORRINGTON _notices the Sharpie drawings on_ MR. BROWN'S _face and_ WILL' S _spray-on tanning gone wrong. He stares at unconscious _JACK_, who seems to be the easiest person in the room to look at. _POEISMYHERO, _of course, disappeared while _NORRINGTON_ was babbling. She's used to head trauma, being a clumsy colleg kid and all._

NORRINGTON

We will always remember this day as the day Captain Jack Sparrow almost escaped.

RANDOM SOLDIER

Great. Another bloody holiday.

RANDOM SOLDIER #2

Maybe we'll get the day off, like Labor Day!

NORRINGTON

(Rolls eyes)

Just take the pirate.

RANDOM SOLDIERS _take the pirate and all _SOLDIERS _exit._

* * *


	4. Chapter 4: The Bad Plot

**So sorry about the delay, guys! I was too busy watching Up (!) Yes, even cold, heartless character bashers of comedy watch sweet and innocent Pixar movies (can they do no wrong?) Seriously, if any of you travel to Paradise Falls in the near (or far) future, please bring me back a Kevin! (;_;)**

**Enough whining! Here's the story!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas.**

* * *

Ext. Port Royal – Night

_Creepy fog rolls in, which any moviegoer knows foreshadows some seriously bad voodoo (Legend of Sleepy Hollow, The Wolfman, Dark Shadows, 90% of all slasher flicks, etc., etc., etc.)_

Int. Jail

JACK _smirks as he watches some _PRISONERS_ try to lure the _DOG WITH KEYS_ with a bone._

POEISMYHERO

Yay, it's just like the ride! Except Jack's here…and I'm not in a boat…and there aren't any singing pirates…and the prisoners aren't robots…and the dog isn't one either…

JACK

Shut it. You're worse than Ragetti.

POEISMYHERO

Okey-dokey.

Int. Elizabeth's Room

MAID_ puts bed warming pan near Elizabeth's feet. She removes the clothespin from her nose._

MAID

There you are, miss. My, what a day!

ELIZABETH

Oh, yes. I couldn't believe that Norrington proposed to me. Such a pompous man.

MAID

I meant the whole falling off a parapet, being rescued by a hot and sexy pirate, then being kidnapped by him, thing.

ELIZABETH

Oh, yes, there's that.

MAID

But the Commodore proposed! That's a smart match, miss, if it's not too bold to say.

ELIZABETH

(Indifferent)

I guess so.

(Mutters under breath)

Pompous wig-wearing jerk!

MAID

But that Will Turner. He's a fine man, too.

ELIZABETH

(Glares at MAID)

That is too bold.

MAID

Then you don't mind if I take him?

(Stops ELIZABETH before she can speak)

Fabulous!

(Runs out of the room squealing in delight)

ELIZABETH

She is _so_ not getting a tip.

(Looks under pillow)

And she forgot the chocolate!

(Pouts)

Int. Blacksmith Forge

WILL

(Stops hammering and looks into space)

My pirate sense is tingling!

(Peeks out door)

CAT

(Running away)

Spooky pirates? Eunuchs? Gay governors? I'm splitting this joint!

Ext. Harbor

GODZILLA _creeps out of the murky depths of the ocean._

BLACK PEARL

Hey! This is our shtick!

GODZILLA

Sorry.

Ext. Fort

_A noose swings in the breeze. A sign next to it reads __Reserved__. _NORRINGTON AND GOVERNOR SWANN_ walk along the wall behind it._

GOVERNOR SWANN

Has Elizabeth talked to you yet?

NORRINGTON

No, but I hope she will. Spending my evenings alone with my cat hasn't helped my love life.

GOVERNOR SWANN

Well, she did have a rather dangerous and tiring day today.

(Pauses)

Ghastly weather, isn't it?

NORRINGTON

Bleak. And the weatherman said it would be a nice evening. Remind me to hang him later.

GOVERNOR SWANN

(Pauses)

What's that?

_Obviously, _GOVERNOR SWANN'S_ wig is used to hide tremendous elephant ears because a BOOM is heard after - NOT BEFORE - he says his line._

NORRINGTON

Duck!

(Tackles GOVERNOR as a burning DUCK crashes into the fort)

DUCK

Aflac!

NORRINGTON

Bloody advertisements!

Int. Jail

JACK

(Perks up at the glorious sounds of destruction)

I know those cannons!

(Runs up to window and views the destruction)

It's the _Pearl_.

RANDOM INMATE

Or my wife. I forgot to give her flowers yesterday.

INMATE WITH BONE

The _Black Pearl_? I've heard stories…she's been attacking towns and settlements for nearly ten years…and never leaves any survivors.

JACK

No survivors? Then where do the stories come from?

INMATE WITH BONE

The media, of course! You don't need survivors for that kind of propaganda!

JACK

True…

Ext. Harbor

_The_ BLACK PEARL_ destroys everything. _CIVILIANS _run around like headless chickens while _MYTHBUSTERS FANS _cheer on the explosions._

Ext. Town

_Random action stunts ensue. _RANDOM KID _almost gets crushed (can I mention how much I hate this cliché?), _PEOPLE _fly off balconies, etc. Port Royal Elementary School is blown up._

ELEMENTARY KIDS

YAY!

_Port Royal's Sweet Shop is blown up._

ELEMENTARY KIDS

NO!

PIRATES _come out of fog to pillage, plunder, rifle, and loot._

POEISMYHERO

It's about time!

(Notices RAGETTI fiddling with his eyeball)

Dude, that's just gross.

Int. Blacksmith Forge

WILL_ arms himself with an axe and a sword. He walks out to notice that a girl is being chased after by an _EXPLOSIVES-ADDICTED MIDGET_. He throws the axe perfectly at the _MIDGET (_in a creepy George Lutz/slasher kind-of-way)_. _The axe hits the _MIDGET_ in the back._

MIDGET

Oh crumpets! And I didn't even get to have a last cup of tea!

(Drops dead)

WILL_ pulls out axe from _MIDGET'S _back and goes off to battle with another _PIRATE _like the swashbuckling savior he pretneds to be_.

Ext. Fort

_More explosions, more _FLYING SOLDIERS_, etc._

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

More explosions! More, MORE! MWAHAHAHAHA!

ZOMBIE F/X CREW

Yes, master.

NORRINGTON

(Shouts random orders to gunners, then turns to GOVERNOR SWANN, who is freaking out)

Governor! This is no place for scaredy-cats! Go hide in my office!

(Random explosions continue through his dramatic pause)

That's an order.

GOVERNOR SWANN

Okey-dokey!

(Runs away)

Int. Elizabeth's Mansion

ELIZABETH

(Looks at scene below and spots PIRATES coming towards her)

Great. Just when I need Will, he disappears. That is so typical!

(She runs downstairs, where a completely deaf and extremely stupid BUTLER is about to open the door)

Don't!

COMPLETELY DEAF AND STUPID BUTLER _opens door anyway. A group of _PIRATES _stand outside._

PINTEL

Trick or treat!

(Shoots BUTLER)

ELIZABETH _screams. _RAGETTI _looks up and spots her. _ELIZABETH _runs up to her room and locks it, thinking that _PIRATES _will be stopped by a locked door, and runs into _MAID.

MAID

(Freaking out)

Miss Swann, they've come to kidnap you!

ELIZABETH

(Clueless)

Huh?

MAID

(Annoyed)

Hello, you're the governor's daughter!

ELIZABETH

Oh, right!

_Door rattles. Both girls gasp._

ELIZABETH

(To MAID)

They haven't seen you yet. Hide, and first chance you get, run to the fort!

MAID

What about you?

ELIZABETH

(Takes on dramatic pose)

I'm going to defend my home!

MAID

Your funeral.

(Hides)

_Knocking on door. Apparently pirates have manners before they kick open a door. _PINTEL AND RAGETTI _enter. They see _ELIZABETH _run away into other room. _PINTEL _runs towards room, only to get slapped in the face by a cartoonish gag. Puts on cartoonish face while _MAID _runs out of room. _RAGETTI _grabs bed warmer and takes this opportunity to bark at _ELIZABETH_ for no reason whatsoever. _ELIZABETH_ suddenly becomes a genius and realizes that she can OPEN the pan, spilling hot coals on _RAGETTI. RAGETTI _freaks out while _ELIZABETH _escapes past the still conscious _PINTEL_, who apparently lost his brains when he got hit with the pan because he's too stupid to grab her or help _RAGETTI. _Meanwhile, the _MAID _runs out of the house, screaming as she passes the stupid and dead _BUTLER_. _GROUP OF PIRATES, _oblivious to her, do pirate stuff like destroy and steal. _ELIZABETH _runs down stairs with _PINTEL _behind her._ RAGETTI _jumps over stairs and growls at _ELIZABETH.

POEISMYHERO

What are you, a dog?

RAGETTI

Ruff!

_Everyone pauses to pay attention _RANDOM PIRATE_ blown off his feet by a cannonball (another moment dedicated to special effects). _ELIZABETH _looks up, notices the cliché of the falling chandelier and takes it as her cue NOT to run out the doors like her smarter _MAID_, but to another room. She barricades the doors this time with a candelabra, which is a much better way to lock a door (note the sarcasm). She grabs a sword hanging on the wall._

ELIZABETH

Finally, my time to be heroic!

(Pulls sword, which sticks in crest)

Damn! Curse you and your damsels in distress, Disney!

(Notices PIRATES at door)

Hmm, should I escape through a window where I'll have a better chance of escaping pirates and reaching sanctuary, or hide in here where there's a 100% chance of those pirates finding me?

PINTEL AND RAGETTI _finally burst through doors. _RAGETTI _notices the open window, but_ PINTEL _stops him as his damsel-in-distress sense starts tingling._

PINTEL

We know you're here, poppet!

RAGETTI

Poppet…

PINTEL

Come out and we promise we won't hurt you…

RAGETTI _gives him a "I thought we were" look, but he catches on and does the nose thing (I still don't get it)._

PINTEL

We'll find you, poppet. You've got something of ours that calls to us.

RAGETTI

Calls to us…

ELIZABETH _looks down._

MEDALLION

Don't look at me! I've been quiet this whole time…except just now.

PINTEL

(Looks down and notices the pushed back rug)

The gold calls to us.

RAGETTI

Gold…

PINTEL

Stop repeating everything I say!

RAGETTI

Repeating everything I –

(Notices PINTEL glaring at him and wisely shuts up)

ELIZABETH _pulls out _MEDALLION_. _

MEDALLION

Idiot! Put me back, put me back!

PINTEL

(Peers into crack at ELIZABETH)

'Ello, poppet!

MEDALLION

Too late.

ELIZABETH

(Gasps as doors are swung open)

Parlay!

PINTEL

What?

ELIZABETH

Parlay! I invoke the right of parlay! According to the Code of the Brethren, set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, you must take me to your Captain!

PINTEL

That's…random.

ELIZABETH

I have an obsession, okay?

(Clears throat)

As I was saying, if an adversary demands parlay, you can do them no harm until the parlay is complete.

RAGETTI

Screw the code…

PINTEL

(Interrupts RAGETTI)

She wants to be taken to the Captain, and she'll go without a fuss. We must honor the code.

ELIZABETH

(Surprised)

Wow, they bought it!

(Notices PINTEL AND RAGETTI'S confused looks)

I mean…let's go to the Captain!

Ext. Town

PIRATES _do pirate stuff. _WILL _fights with _RANDOM PIRATE_, but _RANDOM PIRATE_ gets the better of him._

RANDOM PIRATE

Say goodbye!

_Suddenly (but predictably), a cannonball hits a sign and _WILL_ ducks as it hits _RANDOM PIRATE.

WILL

I'm going to use an old, worn-out gag by repeating your "Goodbye."

(Turns to see ELIZABETH being kidnapped by murderous drunks)

Elizabeth! I must rescue her as manly as I can!

MIDGET

Not while I'm around!

WILL, POEISMYHERO, AND AUDIENCE

OMG, what the hell?!

MIDGET _just smiles and looks down at the lit bomb. Unfortunately, the bomb is a dud. _

MIDGET  
Darn! It would have totally gone off in _Transformers!_

(Shakes fist at sky)

Curse you, Disney!

WILL_ gets ready to kill _MIDGET _again when he is hit in the head with a predictable, worn-out gag and becomes unconscious._

Int. Jail

JACK_ ducks actionly as a cannonball blows up the jail. _INMATES _escape._

INMATE WHO HAD BONE BEFORE BUT DOESN'T NOW

(To JACK)

My sympathies, friend. You don't have much luck at all.

JACK

Yes I do!

(Pulls out lucky rabbit foot)

See?

INMATE WHO HAD BONE BEFORE AND YOU KNOW THE REST

(Steals foot)

Thanks!

(Leaves)

Ext. Fort

_Dramatic music plays as the full moon is revealed from the clouds._

POEISMYHERO

What, are the pirates werewolves or something?

* * *

**Yes, past self - yes they are. MWAHAHAHA!**

**(Notices confused stares from fans and random strangers)**

**Um...I watch a lot of horror movies...and I read too much Edgar Allen Poe.**

**Wait, there's no such thing as too much Poe! Quick, to the library! (Dashes off to library)**

**Ta-ta, my fans of comedy! R&R! **


	5. Chapter 5: Wicked Awesome!

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Triskaidekaphobia!!! Seriously, I have thirteen reviews, you guys! I'd like to thank all of you for your wonderful reviews, and I hope I can get more so I am not forever cursed with bad luck.**

**At least I'm not a skeleton pirate. (Notices shiny cursed gold coin) Oooo, shiny! (Picks it up) Wow, this looks familiar...wait a second.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my crazy ideas. And now I own a curse. Yay.**

* * *

Int. Jail

JACK _now becomes a hypocrite and tries to lure _DOG WITH KEYS _with the discarded bone and in the process calls him a filthy, mangy, slimy mutt. Unfortunately for _JACK_, the _DOG WITH KEYS _seems to understand human and doesn't budge. Suddenly, there is a loud bang and _DOG WITH KEYS_ runs away past _JACK_._

JACK

No, no, no, come back! I've got Beggin' Strips!

JACK _looks up at stairs, where two_ DEAD GUARDS_ fall down stairs, followed by _TWIGG AND DREADLOCKS PIRATE.

TWIGG

This ain't the strip club! I told you we should have gotten directions!

DREADLOCKS PIRATE

Well, well, look what we got here, Twigg. Captain Jack Sparrow.

JACK

You remembered!

TWIGG

Last time I saw you, you were all alone on a God forsaken island, shrinking into the distance, crying for your mummy like a little kid. He hasn't been any luckier, has he?

JACK

(Wipes tears from his eyes and tries to look brave)

Worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers ... and big fat meanies!

DREADLOCKS PIRATE _gets mad and grabs _JACK _by the throat. His arm becomes skeletal in the moonlight._

POEISMYHERO AND AUDIENCE

What the - ?!

JACK

That's disgusting, dude.

DREADLOCKS PIRATE

You know nothing of hell.

(Shoves JACK backwards and leaves with TWIGG)

JACK

A curse, eh?

(Gets evil grin on his face and laughs evilly)

I love being the only smart one in this movie!

Ext. Harbor

_The moon goes behind the clouds. The figurehead on the bow of the ship looms into the camera._

POEISMYHERO

Dude, when was the last time this thing was cleaned?

ELIZABETH AND PIRATES_ row towards the _BLACK PEARL _and board it. _ELIZABETH _uses the boat and _BARBOSSA_ as opportunities to use her shocked emotion face in the hope of getting an Oscar._

BIG SCARY PIRATE

I didn't know we was taking on captives.

PINTEL

She's invoked the right of parlay with Captain Barbossa!

ELIZABETH

I am here to negotiate-

(She is interrupted by a slap from BIG SCARY PIRATE)

ELIZABETH BASHERS

Yay!

BIG SCARY PIRATE

You'll speak when spoken to! Or did you forget your manners?

BARBOSSA

(Grabs BIG SCARY PIRATE'S wrist)

Yarr! And you'll not lay a hand on those under the protection of parlay! Yarr!

POEISMYHERO

What's with the pirate stereotype?

BARBOSSA

Yarr! Disney wouldn't let us make this movie unless we had a pirate stereotype. Yarr!

And I get paid a million dollars every time I say "yarr!" Yarr!

(Turns to ELIZABETH)

My apologies, miss. As you were, yarr, saying?

ELIZABETH

Captain Barbossa, I have come to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.

BARBOSSA

Yarr! I don't speak snob. What is it you want, yarr?

ELIZABETH

I want you to leave. And never come back.

PIRATES

(In unison)

Ooooo!

BARBOSSA

Yarr! I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Yarr!

(Notices ELIZABETH'S confusion at such big words)

Means "No."

ELIZABETH

Very well.

(Walks over to rail and dangles MEDALLION)

I'll drop it!

MEDALLION

What did I ever do to you?

ELIZABETH

Let's see, call up the _Black Pearl_ and get me captured by pirates?

MEDALLION

But I got Will and you together! And I introduced you to the hot and sexy Jack Sparrow!

ELIZABETH

Good point.

(She lowers it, freaking out BARBOSSA AND PIRATES, then pouts her annoying trademark pout that, quoting John Oliver, "makes me want to inflict physical harm to myself")

POEISMYHERO

No wonder Elizabeth bashers exist.

BARBOSSA

(To Elizabeth)

Yarr! You have a name, yarr?

ELIZABETH

Elizabeth…

(Turns her thoughts to her hot and sexy, but not as hot and sexy as JACK, crush WILL)

Turner…

(Remembers that she's on a pirate ship)

I'm a maid in the governor's household.

BARBOSSA

(Turns to PIRATES)

Yarr! Miss Turner!

PIRATES _all whisper excitedly except for the hopelessly clueless _RAGETTI_._

PINTEL

(To RAGETTI)

Bootstrap, you dummy!

BARBOSSA

Yarr, and how does a maid come to own a trinket such as that? A family heirloom, yarr?

ELIZABETH

I didn't steal it, if that's what you mean.

MEDALLION

Technically…

ELIZABETH_ glares at the _MEDALLION_. The _MEDALLION _wisely shuts up._

BARBOSSA

Yarr! Very well. You hand that over, we'll put your town to our rudder and ne'er return. Yarr!

ELIZABETH

Okey-dokey!

(Gives BARBOSSA the MEDALLION)

A bargain?

BARBOSSA _doesn't answer. He nods to the _BIG SCARY PIRATE.

BIG SCARY PIRATE

Let's get going! We're splitting this joint!

ELIZABETH

Wait! You must return me to shore! According to the code of the Order of the Brethren –

BARBOSSA

(Turns on her)

Yarr! Never trust a pirate! Do you really think we're stupid enough to listen to you and follow a stupid code? Welcome to the _Black Pearl_, Miss Turner!

(Pauses)

Yarr!

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Note: I have several things to add here. First, the pirates Elizabeth mentioned in the previous chapter, Morgan and Bartholomew, really did exist, but they probably didn't meet each other, and the Brethren of the Court doesn't exist in my research. Second, Bartholomew Roberts did create a "pirate's code," but nowhere in it does it mention parlay or leaving a man behind. Third, Barbossa's name is probably based off of the Barbarossa brothers, two Mediterranean pirates from the Ottoman Empire named for their red beards (barba rossa means "red beard" in Italian).

Note of note: Yes, I'm smart. Get over it.

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* * *

**Yeah, I know this one's short, but at least we got to meet Barbossa! (Tree frogs chirp in the background - because they ate all the crickets)**

**R&R, or I'll remain cursed to eternity! Which is bad!**


	6. Chapter 6: The Hack

**Hello, everyone! Thanks for breaking the curse of thirteen reviews. Superstition and Poe fans do not mix. Anyway, now we're FINALLY getting into the plot (yay!) so my madness is only going to increase. BTW, I have to thank RemmyBlack for subconsciously inserting herself into this parody. I don't know how much fun it would be being a medallion in an alternate universe (getting stuffed down dresses, left the drawers for years on end, and dangled over the decks of ships), but hey, whatever floats your boat. Speaking of boats, here's the next chappie!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas.**

* * *

Ext. Town

WILL

(Wakes up)

Whoa, that was some party.

(Realizes what happened)

Aw crap!

(Runs to fort, where NORRINGTON is acting all British and pompous)

They've taken her, they've taken Elizabeth!

NORRINGTON

Mr. Murtogg, remove this man.

MURTOGG _gets up to do that._

WILL

(Tries to act intimidating)

We have to hunt them down! We have to save her!

GOVERNOR SWANN

And where do you propose we start? If you have any information that concerns my daughter, then please – share it!

MURTOGG

That Jack Sparrow ... he talked about the _Black Pearl_.

JACK

(Still in jail cell)

You remembered my name!

MULLROY

(Deaf to JACK'S joy)

Mentioned it, is more what he did. Besides, he's a lying pirate!

MURTOGG

I don't think he was lying then.

MULLROY

Shut up!

(Starts fighting with MURTOGG again – with girly punches)

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Note: If you've seen what happens when Luigi tries to punch somebody in Super Smash Bros., that's what I mean.

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WILL

(Ignores MURTOGG AND MULLROY)

Ask him where it is! Make a deal with him! He can lead us to it!

NORRINGTON

No, that would be too easy. You have to go behind my back, betray me, then go on a crazy adventure with him if you want to catch up with the _Black Pearl_.

(Turns to GOVERNOR SWANN)

Governor, I'm going to take the bureaucratic approach and wait for this expedition to be approved in 6-8 business days, then –

WILL

(Slams axe into desk)

That's not good enough!

NORRINGTON

(Completely emotionless)

Mr. Turner, will you stop channeling George Lutz and get a real weapon, like a sword or something?

(Yanks axe out of desk)

Anyway, even though you are hotter and sexier than I am, you're not going with us. Do not make the mistake of thinking you are the only man here who cares for Elizabeth. And you're paying for that desk.

(Shoves axe into WILL'S hands and walks away)

Int. Jail

JACK _is in the process of using random ideas from Mythbusters to get out of his cell. He hears someone coming and hides the chili he was spreading around the bars under some straw and tries to look relaxed._

WILL

Yo! Sparrow!

JACK

Don't say "yo," Will. You're not cool.

WILL

(Ignores him)

You know of the _Black Pearl_?

JACK

Maybe, maybe not. You'll have to give me some kohl for my rock star look if you want info. I'm running out.

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Note: Kohl, according to Wikipedia (it's a resource!), is a Middle Eastern cosmetic that was sometimes used as a way of relief from the sun's glare, which would be helpful in a time before sunglasses.

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WILL_ gives some kohl to _JACK. JACK _gleefully puts it on, then ponders where _WILL _got the kohl, eyeing him suspiciously._

WILL

(Squirming under JACK'S suspicious gaze)

So...where does it make berth?

JACK

(Surprised)

Um…well…you see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they decide to –

WILL

Not birth! Berth! B-E-R-T-H!

POEISMYHERO _applauds _WILL_ for his spelling skills._

JACK

Oh… Captain Barbossa and his crew of miscreants sail from the dreaded Isla de Muerta, an island that cannot be found, except by those who already know where it is.

WILL

The ship's real…enough. So its anchorage must be a real place. Where is it?

JACK

Why ask me?

WILL

Because you're a pirate.

JACK

Wow, nice reasoning. Next, you're going to ask a doctor where Dr. Livingston is, is that it?

WILL

They took Miss Swann.

JACK

So you do have a girl! Well, if you're intending to turn into Errol Flynn, hasten to her rescue, and so win fair lady's heart, you'll have to do it alone, mate. I see no profit in it for me.

WILL

I can get you out of here.

JACK

How? The keys ran off.

WILL _looks over to the _DOG WITH KEYS_, who is busy scratching his bum against the wall in a comic manner._

WILL

(Turns attention back to JACK)

I helped build these cells. These are half-pin barrel hinges. With the right leverage and the proper application of strength, the door will lift free!

JACK

(Under breath)

Nerd.

(Regular voice)

That's very clever, mister…um…uh…

WILL

Will Turner.

JACK

That's was my second choice! Short for William, I imagine. Nice, innocent-sounding name. No doubt named for your father, who has absolutely _nothing_ to do with the plot?

WILL

Why are you so interested in my name? Is it a part of the plot that I don't know about?

JACK

Um, no, nothing like that. Tell you what, I've changed my mind. You get me out of this joint, and I swear on pain of death, I'll take you to the _Black Pearl _and your hot but extremely annoying and stupid girlfriend. Do we have an accord?

(Extends hand)

WILL

(Shakes JACK'S hand, then wipes the grime off with a rag and hand sanitizer)

Agreed.

JACK

Agreed! Get me out of here!

WILL

(Does that)

Someone will have heard that. Let's go!

JACK

Not without Hatty!

(Grabs stuff)

Ext. Docks

JACK AND WILL_ hide under bridge._

JACK

(Puts hat back on)

Oh, Hatty, I missed you.

(Strokes hat gently)

You missed me too, huh? Oh yes…yeah, that's nice.

(Notices WILL)

I wasn't…um…uh…

WILL

(Oblivious)

We're going to steal a ship?

JACK

(Sarcastic)

No, we're going to buy some pretty dresses for prom. And it's commandeer, not steal.

(Pauses)

One question, boy. This girl…how far are you willing to go to save her?

WILL

I'd die for her.

JACK

Oh, good. No worries, then.

WILL

Wait, I didn't mean –

(JACK runs away before WILL can finish)

Ext. Beach

JACK AND WILL "_cleverly" hide under an overturned boat and go underwater._

POEISMYHERO

(Appears under boat)

Hey! Mythbusters busted this! It's impossible!

JACK _kicks her out of the airpocket. _POEISMYHERO, _flustered, swims to the surface._

WILL

This is either madness or brilliance.

JACK

It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide.

POEISMYHERO

Here, here!

WILL

What the hell? I thought we got rid of you already!

POEISMYHERO

Nope!

_Suddenly, _POEISMYHERO _trips over a rock and runs into _WILL_. _WILL_ gets his leg caught in a trap. _WILL _glares at _POEISMYHERO.

POEISMYHERO

I'll go now.

(Swims away)

WILL

Wait! What about my leg?!

Ext. _Dauntless_

JACK AND WILL _climb up back and board deck._

JACK

Yo! Get down! We're taking over the ship!

WILL

Aye, avast!

CREW _laughs._

JACK

(To WILL)

How many times do we have to go over this? You're not cool!

GILETTE

This ship cannot be crewed by two men. You'll never make it out of the bay.

JACK

Says you! I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?

GILETTE

Who?

JACK _puts sword against _GILETTE'S _neck._

GILETTE

Ah, yes, the infamous Jack Sparrow! Do you want to throw me off the boat or shall I do it for you, your pirateness?

JACK

That's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.

Ext. Docks

NORRINGTON AND OFFICERS _prepare the Interceptor._

RANDOM OFFICER

(Looks up and sees the _Dauntless_)

Commodore!

NORRINGTON _looks up and pulls out his telescope. He sees _GILETTE AND CREW_ in a rowboat._

GILETTE

They're taking the ship! Sparrow and Turner are taking the _Dauntless_!

NORRINGTON

(Switches view to main deck of _Dauntless_, where it looks like WILL is playing jump rope)

Rash, Turner, too rash –

(Lowers telescope)

That is, without a doubt, the worst pirate I have ever seen.

RANDOM OFFICER _giggles. _

NORRINGTON

(Turns toward him, his eye ringed with black KOHL)

What?

Ext. _Dauntless_

WILL

Here they come.

JACK

(Looks at the approaching ship and grins)

I love dramatic close-ups.

Ext. _Interceptor_

_The Interceptor passes _GILETTE_, much to his displeasure. Grappling hooks are thrown onto the Dauntless. _SOLDIERS_ swarm the ship and _NORRINGTON _luckily forgets to appoint someone as a guard of the Interceptor._

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Note: There's actually a very funny scene concerning the guards of the _Interceptor_, but I guess the movie people thought the movie was too long and cut it out. Luckily, they didn't cut it out of the screenplay, so, as a bonus for staying with my mad parody of pure madness, I will copy it here for your enjoyment:

The _Interceptor_ is empty, save for a single SENTRY. Jack and Will, soaked, climb over the rail unseen. Jack grabs the Sentry from behind, covers his mouth.

JACK

Can you swim?

(the man struggles)

Can. You. Swim?

Jack removes his hand.

SENTRY

Like a fish, sir. Grew up summers in Dover, living with me uncle

JACK

Good.

Jack tosses the man overboard. Quickly throws off the ropes to the grappling hooks. Will cranks up the foresail –

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NORRINGTON WITHOUT KOHL (HE WIPED IT OFF)

Search every cabin, every hold, down to the bilges!

(Grabs abandoned boot and looks in it)

NORRINGTON,_ however, doesn't notice _JACK AND WILL_ swing over to the Interceptor, even though it's the oldest trick in the book. _WILL_ cuts off all of the ropes and the ship moves away from the Dauntless. _NORRINGTON _turns to see _JACK AND WILL _mooning him from the Interceptor._

NORRINGTON

Crap! I can't believe I fell for that!

(Turns to CREW)

Sailors! Back to the _Interceptor_!

_A _RANDOM SAILOR_ swings over, but falls predictably and actionly into the water (and yes, actionly is considered a word in this parody). _NORRINGTON _looks over at _JACK_, who is holding up his pants and waving with his hat._

JACK

Thanks for the boat, Commodore! It was nice of you to remember my birthday today!

SOLDIERS_ fire at _JACK. JACK AND WILL_ bend down. _NORRINGTON _walks away angrily._

NORRINGTON

Blow them up.

RANDOM OFFICER

(Relays info)

We're about to fire on our own ship, sir.

NORRINGTON

I'd rather see her at the bottom of the ocean than in the hands of a pirate.

RANDOM OFFICER

Dude, what's with you and pirates?

NORRINGTON_ flashes back to elementary school, where he is playing with his dollies. _PIRATE KID_ comes up and steals one of them, making _YOUNG NORRINGTON_ cry._

NORRINGTON

I…have my reasons.

STEERSMAN

Commodore, he's disabled the rudder chain!

GILETTE _looks up, terrified, as the ship nears him._

GILETTE

Abandon ship!

GILETTE AND CREW _abandon rowboat. Rowboat DIES! MWAHAHAHA!_

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Note: This is one of my favorite lines in the movie just for the way he says it. The hands, the voice, it's just too funny and gay to ignore. Also, I apologize for the above line. I have…issues.

Note of note: What is up with Disney and gay guys? Oh yeah, Elton John.

Note of note of note: I have nothing against Elton John. I still have half of The Lion King songs stuck in my head for eternity…

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RANDOM OFFICER

That's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen.

NORRINGTON

So it would seem.

RANDOM OFFICER

Okay, you're just being emo because he's hotter and sexier than you.

NORRINGTON

Remind me to hang you later.

* * *

**I have to say that this was a great chapter to write (so many parodies, so little time) I hope your also learned something today - don't leave your ship without a guard. ****You'd think Norrington would have figured that out by now, what with him fighting pirates and all.**

**Stay tuned and R&R!**


	7. Chapter 7: Following a Crazy

**Hello. Welcome to the humorous and eloquent parody of Pirates of the Carribean, Pirates of the Cocoabean: Curse of the Bad Parody, written and submitted by comcial genius poeismyhero on a sunny Friday afternoon in September. If you recognize this altered quote, then you'll know that I am going to see a performance from said show tonight with my best friend (and silently mouth the words to the music the whole time). This would be a momentous occasion, if not for the two papers I have to work on this weekend (darn you, procrastination!) Anyway, if I don't update on Monday, then you know why.**

**Just wanted to give a shout-out to MysticNightAngel for submitting the 20th review. It's great to know that my parody is brightening up someone's dull school day (seriously, what a great compliment!) To show my appreciation, I'm sending you magic imaginary cookies! Yay! Not only do these cookies arrive instantly to your doorstep, but they're also any** **flavor you want them to be! Chocolate chip, macademia nut, even strawberry-flavored, chocolate coated fudge cookies! Yum!**

**Enough jabbering! I know what you're REALLY here for! And here it is...the latest chappie!**

* * *

Ext. Interceptor

WILL

When I was a lad, living in England, my mother raised me by herself.

JACK

(Rolls eyes)

That explains a lot.

WILL

After she died, I came out here, looking for my father.

JACK

(Bored to death after hearing WILL'S entire life story)

Is that so?

WILL

My father, Will Turner? At the jail it was only after you learned my name that you agreed to help me. Since that's all I wanted, I didn't press the matter. I'm not a simpleton, Jack.

JACK

(Under his breath)

Says you.

WILL

You knew my father.

JACK

(In deep voice with his hands cupped over his mouth)

Luke…I am your father.

WILL

You're not my father! And my name's not Luke!

JACK

Kidding! Gosh, you eunuchs aren't any fun.

WILL

Don't call me that! It hurts my feelings…

JACK

(Continues in an attempt to keep WILL from crying like a baby)

I knew your father. Probably was the only one who called him William. Everyone else called him Bootstrap.

WILL

Bootstrap? Was he a cobbler?

JACK

(Rolls eyes and steers wheel)

He was a pirate, you dummy. You may have your father's looks, but you sure didn't get any of his brains.

WILL

You're wrong! He was a merchant sailor, a respectable man of the law!

JACK

He was a bloody pirate, a scallywag. You should be proud. Pirates are a lot cooler than "merchant sailors."

(Does quote fingers)

WILL

(Pulls out sword)

You did not just do the quote fingers!

JACK

Put it away, Will. You're not man enough to fight me, remember?

WILL

I could have beaten you if you played fair!

JACK

Life's not fair, kiddo. Just like this isn't fair!

(Turns wheel sharply so sail hits WILL and throws him into water)

Now, as I was saying –

(Notices WILL'S disappearance)

Will?

WILL

(Climbs onto deck, soaking wet)

You could have killed me!

JACK

(Helps him onto deck, then turns wheel sharply and strands WILL on sail-thingy again)

I never get tired of that. Now, while you're hanging out there, listen closely. There are only two things you need to know: what a man can do, and what a man can't do.

WILL

(Sarcastic)

Brilliant, Socrates.

JACK

(Ignores him)

For instance, I could let you drown –

WILL

You already tried!

JACK

Shut it!

WILL _shuts it._

JACK

Anyway, I could do that, but I can't go into Tortuga all by me onesy, savvy?

(Pauses)

Although…

WILL

(Realizes JACK is examining his options)

Give another example, Jack!

JACK

Well, you could accept that your old man was a pirate, or you can't. Personally, I don't give a crap. But pirate blood is in your blood, boy, and you'll have to square away with that someday.

POEISMYHERO

Yay, foreshadowing!

JACK _swings wheel the other way and hits _POEISMYHERO_ with another sail-thingy._

POEISMYHERO

(Flying into ocean)

I love you, Jack!

JACK

(Twitches, then turns back to WILL, who, with the turning of the wheel, is now lying on his back on the deck)

So, can you sail under the command of a pirate?

(Flips sword)

Or can't you?

POEISMYHERO

Will did it better.

JACK

Who _are_ you, seriously?!

POEISMYHERO

You didn't see anything…

(Creates misty purple cloud and disappears)

JACK

(Under his breath)

Purple's a stupid color...

POEISMYHERO

(Still disappearing in cloud)

I heard that!

WILL

(Fed up with JACK AND POEISMYHERO'S banter and wants to get away from there as quick as possible)

So, Tortuga?

JACK

(Looks down and grins)

Tortuga.

WILL

(Smiles, then realizes something)

Tortuga? When did we decide on that?

JACK

Right about now.

Ext. Tortuga

PIRATES _shoot their guns and get drunk, _WENCHES_ act slutty, etc._

JACK

What do you think, dear William?

WILL

(Notices SOAKED DRUNK)

Truthfully? I feel like the pope at a sex club.

POEISMYHERO  
Hey! No quoting Michael Kors!

WILL

You're the one who typed this!

POEISMYHERO

Oh yeah…look, a bug!

(Watches BUG in fascination)

JACK

I tell ya, mate. If every town was like this, no man would ever feel unwanted.

(Notices RED-HEADED SLUT)

Scarlett!

SCARLETT _slaps _JACK _and walks off._

JACK

Not sure I deserved that.

SCARLETT (O.S.)

Yes you did!

JACK

(Turns and notices BLOND-HEADED SLUT)

Giselle!

GISELLE

Who was she?

JACK

Um…my chiropractor?

GISELLE_ slaps _JACK _and walks off._

JACK

I might have deserved that.

GOVERNOR SWANN_ comes out of nowhere and slaps _JACK_, then walks off_. WILL AND POEISMYHERO _are freaked out._

JACK

It was one time!

(Pauses)

He has very good rum.

POEISMYHERO

Why would Governor Swann have rum?

JACK

How else do you think he became governor?

Ext. Pig pen

MR. GIBBS

(Sleeping with pigs when splashed with water, waking him up. Turns to pig next to him)

You're not Jessica.

(Notices JACK with bucket of water)

Good heavens, Jack! You know better than to wake a man when he's sleeping. It's bad luck!

JACK

Well, fortunately, I know how to counter your annoying superstition. The man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink, and the man who was sleeping drinks it while listening to a proposition by the man who did the waking.

MR. GIBBS

Uh…

JACK

Drink? Proposition?

MR. GIBBS

Oh!

(Gets up)

WILL _throws bucket of water at _MR. GIBBS.

MR. GIBBS

Blast it, I'm already awake!

WILL

That was for the smell.

MR. GIBBS

What smell?

(Lifts arm and sniffs pit)

Oh, that smell.

(Faints and gets dragged away by WILL and JACK, who have run out of water to throw)

Int. Tavern

PIRATES _shoot their guns, get drunk, fight, etc., etc._

JACK

(Makes his way to WILL, who has pulled out an economy size bottle of hand sanitizer)

Keep a sharp eye.

WILL _nods his head and pulls out a toy spyglass from his Happy Meal. _JACK _rolls his eyes and sits down with _MR. GIBBS.

MR. GIBBS

Let me guess, we're going to go on an actiony, action movie quest with plot twists to keep the critics happy...and action.

JACK

Maybe...and I'm going after the _Black Pearl_.

MR. GIBBS AND EVERYONE IN THE RESTERAUNT EXCEPT WILL _(who's having too much fun with his toy spyglass to pay attention) spits out their drink in a comedic fashion._

JACK

(Wipes off spit)

I got it all figured out. It's a done deal!

MR. GIBBS

Jack, are you nuts? That ship makes the Hope Diamond look like a blessing!

JACK

Yeah, but I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! All I need is a crew.

MR. GIBBS

Yeah, but Barbossa's an evil, undead skeleton now. Only a fool would try and stop him.

JACK

Then it's a good thing I'm the smartest character in the movie, eh?

MR. GIBBS

Even if that's true, what makes you think Barbossa will give up his ship to you? He led a mutiny against you, remember?

JACK

It's just a matter of having the right leverage...

WILL _looks over at _JACK, _somehow mistaking the word "leverage" for his name. He shrugs and goes back to playing with his toy telescope. _MR. GIBBS _stares at _JACK _blankly. _JACK _motions his head to _WILL_. _MR. GIBBS _is confused. _JACK _motions his head to _WILL _again. _MR. GIBBS _is still confused. _JACK _grabs _MR. GIBB'S _head and turns it in _WILL'S _direction. _WILL _is beating up an extremely forward _DRUNK WOMAN_ with his toy telescope._

MR. GIBBS

The wimp?

JACK

No, the drunk. Yes, the wimp! That is the child of Bootstrap Bill Turner. His only child, savvy?

MR. GIBBS  
Wow, what a coinkidink!

(Pauses)

Did I just say coinkidink?

POEISMYHERO

Hey, my script, my intentional word mispronunciation!

DRUNK WOMAN_ is_ _rescued by _DRUNK MAN_. _WILL_ breathes a sigh of relief and bathes himself in hand sanitizer._

MR. GIBBS

Hmm, this could actually work. Fine, I'll find you a crew. Even if I have to blackmail and pressgang every one of them to join this movie!

JACK

That's the spirit!

JACK _hits _MR. GIBBS'S _mug and both drink in a toast to the surprise summer blockbuster._


	8. Chapter 8: Annoying Garbage

**Hello everyone!**

**Sorry I didn't post a new chapter Monday. I had - not one - but TWO essays due the next day, and being the procrastinater that I am, I waited til the last minute to complete them (^_^;) Anyway, I hope this chapter makes up for it (now with 23% more notes of randomness!). Ta!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my** **random ideas...**

* * *

Ext. Black Pearl - Night

_Again, dramatic music plays, moon shines down, some creepy fog, etc._

Int. Elizabeth's room

PINTEL AND RAGETTI _enter _ELIZABETH'S _room. _PINTEL _is carrying a red dress._ ELIZABETH_, who has been practicing her angry face in the mirror, turns and walks towards them._

PINTEL

You'll be dining with the captain at seven 'o' clock tonight. And he requests you wear this.

POEISMYHERO

Why does Barbossa keep a dress?

EVERYONE _is a little freaked out._

ELIZABETH

Well, you can tell the captain that I have already made reservations to see the musical on board at the time he has requested. So I am disinclined to...

(Strains to remember BARBOSSA'S big words)

I can't go.

PINTEL

He said you'd say that. He also asked us to inform you that tonight's production is Toy Story the Musical.

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Note: This is the real deal, I'm not kidding! It's on one of the Disney cruise ships as _live entertainment!_ Check out their website if you don't believe me!

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POEISMYHERO

Does every Disney movie have to be turned into a musical?

PINTEL

Apparently.

POEISMYHERO

So long do you think it'll be before _this _ship docks on Broadway?

PINTEL

Dunno. They've been talking about another sequel, so they might delay it a bit further.

POEISMYHERO

ANOTHER sequel?! Where the bloody hell are they gonna go now? The Bermuda Triangle?

PINTEL

Shh, don't give them any ideas!

RAGETTI

(To POEISMYHERO)

Your accent switched randomly…

(Non-wooden eye begins to twitch)

ELIZABETH

Hello, movie?

PINTEL

Oh, yeah…

(Turns back to ELIZABETH and clears his throat)

Barbossa also said if you wish not to dine with him, you'll be dining with the crew - and you'll be naked.

RAGETTI _drools as he imagines this. _ELIZABETH _grimaces and snatches the dress from _PINTEL_. _RAGETTI _sighs and whimpers._

PINTEL

(Disappointed)

Fine! Be that way!

(Stomps out of room in a tantrum)

RAGETTI _gives _POEISMYHERO _one last wary glance, then runs like bloody hell. _POEISMYHERO _smirks._

Int. Barbossa's cabin

PIRATES_ prepare fancy dinner, stowing away half the food in their pockets as well (they're pirates for Pete's sake!). _ELIZABETH, _in the dress, daintily picks at her salad._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Note: Can someone explain who Pete is and why we're exclaiming things for his sake? Just curious.

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BARBOSSA

Yarr! There's no need to be all pompous! Yarr! You must be hungry!

ELIZABETH_ pauses, then digs into a double cheeseburger, ketchup flying. _BARBOSSA_ watches in disgusted fascination, then reaches for the bread. _ELIZABETH _growls and snatches the bread away, rabid foam covering her mouth. _BARBOSSA_, a little freaked out, grabs some wine and offers it to _ELIZABETH.

BARBOSSA

Yarr! Try the wine!

ELIZABETH _does that._

BARBOSSA

Yarr! And the apple – try that next, yarr!

ELIZABETH _looks over at _JACK (THE MONKEY)_._ JACK (THE MONKEY) _puts his finger to his neck, which in monkey sign language means "You're dead meat, you idiot!"_

ELIZABETH

It's poisoned.

BARBOSSA

Yarr! You think just because Disney rules this movie that they're going to let me do something as stupid as that? Yarr!

(Chuckles evilly)

Actually, I poisoned your wine.

ELIZABETH _looks like she's going to barf. _

BARBOSSA

(Laughs again)

Yarr! I'm just kidding! Yarr, there would be no sense to be killing you, Miss Turner.

ELIZABETH

Then release me! You have your gold! I am of no further value to you!

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Note: If you can think of a way that Elizabeth could still be of value, congratulations! Your mind's bathing in the gutter today!

Hint: Notice all the candles...

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BARBOSSA

(Brings out MEDALLION)

Do you know what this is?

ELIZABETH

It's a pirate medallion.

BARBOSSA

Yarr! This is Aztec gold. One of eight hundred eighty two identical pieces they delivered in a stone chest to Cortes himself. Because he was a selfish, inconsiderate jerk, the gods placed a terrible curse upon the gold. Any mortal who steals a single piece from that chest shall be punished for eternity...

(Stops to allow all the dramatic close-ups to happen)

MEDALLION

(Notices all the pirate grease and dirt rubbed onto its shiny goldness)

You know, I liked it better in the canyon.

ELIZABETH

I don't believe in ghost stories, Captain Barbossa.

BARBOSSA

Yarr! That's exactly what I thought when we were first told the tale!

(Mutters under breath)

Darn cliché.

(Continues LONG monologue)

Buried on an Island of the Dead what can't be found 'cept by those who know where it 'tis. Find it we did, and, like the pirates we are, we took them all! We spent 'em and traded 'em and frittered 'em away for drink and food and...pleasurable company.

(Looks at ELIZABETH and chuckles while ELIZABETH remains confused)

Yarr! But the more we gave 'em away, the more we came to realize: the drink would not satisfy, and the food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world would not slake our lust. We are cursed men, Miss Turner. Compelled by greed we were, but now we are consumed by it.

(Holds out his hand waiting for the Oscar that will never come)

JACK (THE MONKEY)

Ook eek ack!*

*Translation: Get to the good part already!*

BARBOSSA_, who doesn't have an online Monkey-to-English translator, goes over to calm _JACK (THE MONKEY). _Meanwhile, _ELIZABETH _"sneakily" hides a knife in her napkin._

BARBOSSA

Yarr! There is one way to end our curse. All the scattered pieces of the Aztec gold must be restored, and the blood repaid. Thanks to ye, we have the final piece! Yarr!

ELIZABETH

And the blood to be repaid?

BARBOSSA

Yarr! That's why there's no sense to be killing you...yet.

ELIZABETH _stares at him blankly for a few seconds, then adopts a horrified expression._

BARBOSSA

Apple?

POEISMYHERO

(Screams)

OMG, he's not just obsessed with apples, he can make them appear out of thin air!

ELIZABETH _knocks the apple out of _BARBOSSA'S_ hand and pulls out her knife. She tries to run, but _BARBOSSA'S _pirate stereotype keeps stopping her. _BARBOSSA _grabs her and _ELIZABETH _stabs _BARBOSSA _in the chest. She is horrified to find that the Disney curse has made her act of heroism irrelevant. _BARBOSSA _pulls out the bloody knife._

BARBOSSA

I'm curious - after killing me, what is it you planned to do next? After all, you're floating on a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean with my _cursed_ crew of murderous drunks!

POEISMYHERO AND AUDIENCE _cheer _BARBOSSA_ on this brilliant stroke of genius while _ELIZABETH _backs through the door...and into the arms of _BARBOSSA'SCREW OF UNDEAD MURDEROUS DRUNKS_._

ELIZABETH

(Screams)

Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski could create these awesome special effects, but they couldn't figure out what I was going to do next?

(Hides underneath stairs, which is _always _a good palce to hide - not)

SKELETAL JACK (THE MONKEY) _then scares the crap out of _ELIZABETH, POEISMYHERO, AND THE AUDIENCE. ELIZABETH _screams and runs back into the arms of _BARBOSSA.

BARBOSSA

Yarr, look! The moonlight shows us for what we really are! We are not among the living, and so cannot die, but neither are we dead! For too long I have been parched of thirst, and unable to quench it! Too long, I have been starving to death and haven't died!

JACK THE MONKEY

Eek ook ack? Ooak!*

*Does this guy like to hear himself talk or something? Seriously!

BARBOSSA

(Ignoring JACK THE MONKEY)

I feel nothing ... not the wind on my face, nor the spray of the sea ...nor the warmth of a woman's flesh.

(Reaches toward ELIZABETH as his hand becomes skeletal in the moonlight)

ELIZABETH _backs away in the fear that _BARBOSSA _is contagious. _BARBOSSA _walks fully into the moonlight._

POEISMYHERO

(Hypnotized by special effects)

So gross...yet so cool...

BARBOSSA

Yarr, you'd best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You're in one!

(Pulls out a wine bottle and drinks the wine, letting it run over his exposed rib cage)

POEISMYHERO

Okay, you're just showing off now.

ELIZABETH_, hysterical now, runs into _BARBOSSA'S_ cabin. _BARBOSSA _shuts the doors behind her and laughs. _BARBOSSA'SCREW OF MURDEROUS DRUNKS _laugh as well._

BARBOSSA

Yarr, what're you laughing at? Get back to work, yarr!

PIRATES _groan at the end of their fun and get back to work._

PIRATE SKELETON

(Muttering under breath)

Should have taken up that job at Universal.

Int. Cabin

_Meanwhile, _ELIZABETH _huddles in the corner, increasing her therapy bill with every dramatic musical note._

…_tee hee…_

Ext. Tortuga docks - Day

MR. GIBBS

Feast your eyes, Cap'n. All of 'em faithful hands before the mast, every man worth his salt - for the price of fame, glory, and a $75 movie extra salary.

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Note: Again, not kidding! Just by being an extra for a day, you can get $75! It makes me wish I could get paid for this parody...*cries with tearful chibi eyes*

Note of note: I heard this from a friend who sometimes is an extra for random television series and movies. Of course, it depends on what you're being an extra for. And you have to be careful. If you go on a website that looks a little too fancy to be a site for extras and the spokesperson randomly IMs you and tries to talk to you (this really happened to me – no joke), log off IMMEDIATELY, unless you want to lose that EXTRA money in your pocket. Wait…curse you, evil pun fairy!

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WILL

So this is your able-bodied crew...

JACK

Considering we gathered these guys in one night, yes, they're a good crew.

(Walks to MR. COTTON)

You, sailor!

MR. GIBBS

Cotton, sir.

JACK

Mr. Cotton. Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?

WILL

Wait, what'd he say?

JACK (CONT'D)

Mr. Cotton! Answer me!

POEISMYHERO

Better hurry, Mr. Gibbs, before he channels Sweeney Todd!

MR. GIBBS

Ah, he's a mute, sir. He was involved in an unfortunate cooking accident. Something to do with lobsters, sweat, and a certain hot-tempered chef with a reality show...

MR. COTTON _opens his mouth and shows his lack of taste buds. _JACK _grimaces._

MR. GIBBS (CONT'D)

So he trained the parrot to talk for him. No one's yet figured out how...

MR. COTTON'S PARROT

Because I'm one of the smartest animals in the animal kingdom, you %$#&*!

WILL AND POEISMYHERO _are taken aback by this fowl language – NO! The evil pun fairy has struck again! AAAAAAAAAH!_

MR. GIBBS

Um...Mr. Cotton is quite the sailor!

JACK

Quite...Mr. Cotton's parrot! Same question.

MR. COTTON'S PARROT

Brraack! Wind in your sails! Wind in your sails! Brraack!

MR. GIBBS

Mostly, we think that means "yes."

MR. COTTON'S PARROT

You $%&*$&!

MR. GIBBS  
And that means I need to shut up.

JACK

Of course it does!

(Turns to WILL)

Satisfied?

WILL

You've proven they're mad.

JACK _outstretches his palm. _WILL _sighs and gives him 5 bucks._

RANDOM TOO-FEMININE-TO-BE-A-GUY VOICE

And what's the benefit for us?

JACK _searches for the source of the voice. He notices one pirate with his/her hat pulled over his/her face and removes it. The pirate is revealed to be a dark-skinned woman who looks REALLY pissed off._

JACK

Anamaria!

ANAMARIA _slaps _JACK.

WILL

I suppose you didn't deserve that, either.

JACK

(Sarcastic)

No, she's my chiropractor!

WILL

Really?

JACK _rolls his eyes and turns back to _ANAMARIA.

ANAMARIA

How did you know it was me?

JACK

Next time, don't wear high heels.

ANAMARIA

They're wedges! And I'll have you know they cost me a pretty penny. Just like my boat cost me a pretty penny, you fangirl heartthrob!

(Slaps JACK)

JACK

I'll get you another one!

WILL

A better one!

(Looks at _Interceptor_)

That one!

JACK

(Whips around)

That one?!

(Notices the amount of witnesses and decides not to kill WILL)

Aye, that one! What say you?

ANAMARIA AND PIRATE CREW

Aye!

(Board ship)

MR. GIBBS

It's frightful bad luck to bring a woman aboard, sir.

JACK

Enough with sexist superstitions!

(Glances about above)

Besides, it'll be far worse if we don't.

WILL AND MR. GIBBS _look up to see what _JACK _was looking at. They see _POEISMYHERO _glaring at them from her purple cloud and run after _JACK_, deciding it's best not to upset a parody writer. MWAHAHAHA!_

Ext. Interceptor

EVERYONE _is soaked. _JACK _seems to be too drunk to notice, which makes me question why he's steering the ship._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Note: Every heard of the joke "It's easy to see who's drunk on a ship because they're the only ones walking straight?" Just thought I'd put that in here.

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WILL AND MR. GIBBS _attempt to stay on the ship, which has become its own water park. _POEISMYHERO _slides around the deck, shouting "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" at the top of her lungs._

WILL

(Shouting over waves, which are stealing his spotlight)

How can we find an island no one can find with a compass that doesn't work?

MR. GIBBS

It doesn't matter! I can't even see my hand in front of my face in this bloody hurricane!

WILL

Hurricane?! You didn't tell me this was a hurricane!

MR. GIBBS

My bad!

(Runs off to talk to JACK before WILL starts having a panic attack)

We'd best drop canvas, captain!

JACK

She can hold on a bit longer!

MR. GIBBS

What's in your head that's puts you in such a fine mood, captain?

JACK

Besides a bunch of seawater and rum? We're catching up!

* * *

**So, yeah, starting to get into that teen content a little...heh.**

**Blame it on Monty Python! And Rocky Horror Picture Show! And Little Shop of Horrors!**

**Why am I shouting?!**

**R&R!**


	9. Chapter 9: The Trouble with Clichés

**Hello everyone!**

**Well, we're FINALLY halfway through our parody! (Blows annoying noisemaker in celebration) Anywho, I just wanted to apologize to Queen Nightshade (awesome username, btw). Despite what I write, I do think Norrington is hot and sexy. I'm just paritial to Jack Sparrow, who I had to compare Norry to in that joke. However, both of them are nice eye candy ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas.**

* * *

Int. Black Pearl

ELIZABETH _stares out the window like a puppy dog. _PIRATES _enter._

PINTEL

Enough with the soap opera drama! It's time to go, poppet.

ELIZABETH

Oh no! I was so lost in my dramatic moment, I forgot to pack!

PIRATES _roll eyes and carry her out against her will._

Ext. Black Pearl

ELIZABETH'S _hands are tied as _RAGETTI _starts panting like a dog for no reason whatsoever. _BARBOSSA _gently (in a creepy sexual predator way) brushes _ELIZABETH'S _hair back and attaches the medallion around her neck._

Ext. Rowboat

CAMERA GUY _uses a cheap shot to transition to this scene, where _ELIZABETH _stands erect and mute, bravely facing whatever is going to happen next. Apparently _JERRY BRUCKHEIMER _decided to cut the previous scene where _ELIZABETH _went through a mental breakdown and cried for her mum. Too dramatic. Wait, I'm talking about _ELIZABETH _here. Oh, never mind._

CAMERA GUY _is also overly dramatic, as revealed by the amount of dramatic close-ups and shots of pirates rowing, as well as the description in the screenplay, found in the note below._

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: As a photographer and cinema lover myself, I will not point out the cheap and clichéd transition, nor comment that Isla de Muerta does not even closely resemble a skull, which is also a cliché.

CAMERA RISES, up through the fog, and revealed below is the entire Isla de Muerta, shaped roughly like a human skull. FOG swirls in, covering the island in grey –

Note of note: The music guy should also be scolded, but he is not due to the fact that he is always overly dramatic.

Note of note of note: He gets paid for every dramatic note. Those notes are the difference between being John Williams or being thrown into background music obscurity.

Note of note of note of note: John Williams created film scores for many of Steven Spielberg's movies, including the Indiana Jones film series, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, and Jaws, as well as the film score for the Star Wars saga, so he's a pretty cool guy.

Note of note of note of note of note (Try counting them all): If you aren't confused yet, then you never will be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ext. Interceptor/Ship Graveyard

MR. COTTON'S PARROT

Dead men tell no tales!

POEISMYHERO

Unless they're zombies.

MR. COTTON'S PARROT

Shut up, you #$*!!

POEISMYHERO_, in a fit of rage, moves the camera away from _MR. COTTON'S PARROT _and sets it on the silent and scared _PIRATE CREW.

MR. GIBBS

(Looks at shipwrecks)

So that's why they call it Isla de Muerta!

WILL

You know Spainish?

MR. GIBBS

Sí!

CAMERA GUY s_witches for a moment to dramatic underwater scene in order to show off special effects._

WILL

(Notices JACK and his COMPASS, who are both unaware that MR. COTTON is awkwardly staring at them from behind)

How is it that Jack came by that compass?

MR. GIBBS

What's with you and that bloody compass?

(Sighs from the lack of explanation in the movie script and tries to answer WILL'S question as vaguely as he can)

Not a lot's known about Jack Sparrow before he showed up in Tortuga with a mind to go after the treasure of Isla de Muerta. That was before I'd met him, back when he was captain of the Black Pearl.

WILL

What? Did I just walk into a backstory that will influence later events?

MR. GIBBS

Um, it's different now. See, Jack used to be captain of the Black Pearl before his crew stabbed him in the back (not literally of course) and marooned him on an island to die. Kind of went crazy from the heat.

WILL

Is that the reason for all the...

(Does a poor imitation of JACK)

MR. GIBBS  
No, that's the rum. Now, Will, when a pirate's marooned, he's given a pistol with a single shot, and after three weeks of starvation and dehydration  that pistol starts to look real friendly, if you catch my drift.

WILL

Huh?

Do I have to explain everything to you?

(Decides not to before WILL can respond)

But Jack  he escaped the island. And he still has that single shot. He won't use it, though, save on one man. His mutinous first mate.

WILL

Barbossa.

MR. GIBBS

Aye, now you're getting it.

(Under his breath)

Finally.

WILL

I was wondering for a while why you were telling me this.

MR. GIBBS

Yes, darn plot twists.

WILL

What?

MR. GIBBS

Nothing!

WILL  
(Pauses)

How did Jack get off the island?

MR. GIBBS

Well, I'll tell ya. He waded out into the sea and waited there until the fish near him tried to nibble off his toes. Then, he roped a couple of sea turtles and made them into a raft!

WILL

He roped a couple of sea turtles.

MR. GIBBS

Aye, sea turtles!

WILL

What did he use for rope?

MR. GIBBS_, in all the times he has told this story, has never thought about this. He is speechless._

JACK

(Randomly appears)

Human hair. From my back.

(Turns to CREW while WILL runs to barf over the side)

Let go of the anchor!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: Again, Johnny Depp is improvising. The little fact that the hair is from his back is not included in the screenplay. Another reason that I love Johnny Depp (his creativity, not the hairy back thing).

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREW

(Completely in unison it's scary)

Let go of the anchor, aye!

JACK

(Turns back to MR. GIBBS and the now slightly green faced WILL)

Young Mr. Turner and I are to go ashore.

MR. GIBBS  
Captain, what if the worst should happen?

JACK

(Pauses)

Keep to the code.

MR. GIBBS

Aye, the code.

WILL

What code?

JACK AND MR. GIBBS _run away so they don't have to answer._

Int. Cave

PIRATES _run around laughing. _ELIZABETH _is oblivious to the gold. She notices the big chest in the center and looks like she's about to have a panic attack. She is pushed out of the way, though, so some humor can be added in the forms of _PINTEL AND RAGETTI _carrying a trunk._

PINTEL

Spending a couple of days with that overly dramatic brat –

RAGETTI

- and now it's all worth it!

PINTEL AND RAGETTI _dump open chest, only to find out it's _BARBOSSA'S _secret stash. This spurs them to give the audience a subtle glimpse into their...relationship. _

PINTEL

Once we're quit of the curse, we'll be rich men, 'n you can buy yourself an eye which actually fits and is made of glass!

RAGETTI

This one does splinter something terrible...

PINTEL

(Sympathetic in a weird wife-to-husband way)

Stop rubbing it!

PINTEL AND RAGETTI _notice _BIG SCARY PIRATE.

BIG SCARY PIRATE

(Groans)

Not more gay pirates...

Int. Tunnel to Cave

JACK _rows boat while _WILL _holds lantern._

WILL

(Notices pirate skeleton - the non-cursed kind)

So what's the code again?

JACK

Pirates' code. Any man who falls behind is left behind.

WILL

No heroes amongst thieves, eh?

JACK

Better than being dead.

WILL _groans._

JACK

You know, for being such a sourpuss, you're well on your way to becoming one.

WILL

What, a sourpuss?

JACK

No, a pirate, you idiot.

(Counts on fingers)

Sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the fleet, sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga ...

(Notices WILL looking at treasure)

And you're completely obsessed with treasure.

POEISMYHERO

Oh, I spy a gold crucifix! Isn't that ironic?

JACK AND WILL _glare at _POEISMYHERO.

POEISMYHERO

Well, it is.

_Boat stops. _WILL AND JACK _get off. _

WILL

That's not true. I'm not obsessed with treasure.

JACK

(Peers through hole in wall)

Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.

POEISMYHERO

Yeah...

(Looks up at JACK with fangirl eyes whil JACK _slowly_ backs away)

WILL_, curious, looks through the hole. He sees _BARBOSSA _giving a long-winded speech, which has been made shorter by a certain lazy parody writer, while _ELIZABETH _stands behind the chest._

WILL

Elizabeth...

BARBOSSA

Freedom!

PIRATES

Yarr!

BARBOSSA

Cursed!

PIRATES

Yarr!

BARBOSSA

(Kicks open chest)

Gold!

PIRATES

Yarr!

BARBOSSA

(Points to ELIZABETH)

Sacrifice!

PIRATES

Yarr!

WILL

(Attempts to rescue ELIZABETH)

Jack!

JACK

(Restrains WILL)

Not yet!

_Some coins fall. _JACK (THE MONKEY) _looks over, curious._

JACK (THE MONKEY)

Eeek, ook, ack, ack!*

*Translation: I hope that's not the cliché of hidden heroes I hear!

JACK

Wait for the opportune moment.

(Leads WILL away from wall)

WILL

When's that? When you have the most camera time?

JACK

May I ask you something? Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?

WILL

Yes. Yes you have.

JACK

Do us a favor. I know it's difficult for you to suppress that Errol Flynn attitude of yours, but, please, stay here! And try not to do anything...stupid.

(Walks away while WILL pouts)

BARBOSSA

Blood!

PIRATES

Yarr!

BARBOSSA

Payback!

PIRATES

Yarr!

BARBOSSA

Yarr!

(Turns to the extremely frightened ELIZABETH)

Time to eat some apples!

ELIZABETH

What is it with you and apples, dude?

BARBOSSA, _in response, pushes _ELIZABETH _down and grabs the knife. _PIRATES _start barking. One pauses to scratch a few fleas with his foot. _JACK, _watching this from behind another wall, suddenly becomes a victim of _WILL'S _stupidity._

WILL  
Sorry, Jack. I'm not going to be your leverage.

BARBOSSA _yanks _MEDALLION _off _ELIZABETH'S _neck and places it in her palm. With his rusty, unhygienic tetanus knife, he slits her palm._

ELIZABETH

That's it? No dramatic death scene?

BARBOSSA

Waste not.

(Drops blood-soaked MEDALLION into chest)

PIRATES _wait for cool special effects, but, unfortunately, it seems that the _MEMBERS OF THE PRODUCTION CREW_ are all on a coffee break – at the same time._

DREADLOCKS PIRATE

Did it work?

RAGETTI

I don't feel different.

PINTEL

How do we tell?

BARBOSSA _rolls his icky yellow eyes and shoots _PINTEL. PINTEL _realizes he walked into that one and looks down. Luckily for him, nothing's happened._

DREADLOCKS PIRATE

You're not dead!

PINTEL

(Surprised)

No!

(Turns to BARBOSSA)

He shot me!

TWIGG

It didn't work! The curse is still upon us! And we're still speaking with an excessive amount of exclamation points!

BARBOSSA

(Turns to ELIZABETH)

Yarr! You. Maid. Your father. What was his name?!

(Grabs her roughly)

Was your father William Turner?!

ELIZABETH

No.

BARBOSSA  
What is this, a soap opera?

(Grabs MEDALLION and dangles it in front of ELIZABETH)

Where's the child?

ELIZABETH

Well, considering his age, he's technically not a child -

BARBOSSA _then interrupts the moment by hitting _ELIZABETH, _causing her to fall down._

MEDALLION

(Tumbles down with her)

That's gonna hurt in the morning.

BIG SCARY PIRATE  
(To PINTEL and RAGETTI)

You two! You brought us the wrong idiot!

PINTEL

No! She had the medallion! She was the proper age!

WILL _appears out of the water (who knows how he got there in the first place without being spotted – unless he's half fishy!) and silently rescues _ELIZABETH_. _ELIZABETH _then has a stroke of genius and takes the medallion with her._

TWIGG

I cancelled my trip to Bora Bora for nothing!

BARBOSSA

Yarr! I won't take questioning or second guesses, not from the likes of you, Mister Twigg.

DREADLOCKS PIRATE

Who's to blame him? Every decision you've made has led us from bad to worse!

BARBOSSA  
No, I haven't! I got you all on this movie, didn't I?

TWIGG

Yeah, as henchmen that only get so much camera time and probably won't return for the second movie!

WILL AND ELIZABETH _escape as _PIRATES _begin to start another mutiny. _JACK (THE MONKEY) _notices _WILL AND ELIZABETH_ and tries to get someone's attention. _PIRATES _pull out swords._

BIG SCARY PIRATE

(To BARBOSSA)

It was you who brought us here in the first place!

BARBOSSA

Yarr!

(Pulls out sword)

I dare any of you to battle me! Any takers?

PIRATES _back off because they don't want to murder someone who's being played by an actor who gets their name on the movie marquee (that would be BAD). _BARBOSSA _smirks._

DREADLOCKS PIRATE

I say we cut her throat and spill all her blood, just in case!

BARBOSSA _FINALLY notices _JACK (THE MONKEY). _He turns to see that _ELIZABETH _is, predictably, gone (seriously, what is with the clichés in this movie?)_

BARBOSSA  
(Twitches)

Yarr! The medallion! She's taken it! Stop her!

PIRATES _search for _ELIZABETH. _Instead, they find _JACK.

RAGETTI

You.

PINTEL

You're supposed to be dead!

JACK

Um…I'm the ghost of Christmas past!

RAGETTI  
But it's not Christmas.

POEISMYHERO

Or Hanukkah!

JACK

Oh, my bad.

(Tries to leave, but finds himself surrounded)

Purlay. Purlalelu.

PINTEL AND RAGETTI _wonder if _JACK _is drunk._

JACK

Parlene...parsnip...parsleed...par...no, um...par...

RAGETTI

(Realizes what Jack's trying to say, obviously forgetting Napoleon's motto)

Parlay?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: Napoleon's motto: Never interrupt your enemy when he (or she!) is making a mistake.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JACK

That's the one! Parlay! Parlay!

PINTEL

(Scowls at RAGETTI)

Parlay! Damn to the depths whatever muttonhead thought up 'parlay'!

JACK

(Pushes pistol down)

That would be the French.

* * *

**I love you Jack...**

**(Realizes she's still typing her parody)**

**Um, R&R!**


	10. Chapter 10: Keep to the Craziness

**Hello, eveyone!**

**Just wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me through these 10 chappies! I also wanted to answer RemmyBlack's question. Yes, dearest RemmyBlack, I will be posting DMC and AWE parodies as well after finishing this parody. I also hope to extend my parody empire to other movie universes in the future. But for now, I'll just stick with my brilliant - and top secret - ideas concerning Davy Jones (MWAHAHAHA!)**

**Happy reading!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas...**

* * *

Ext. Black Pearl

_A line of oars lead to the ship, which I guess is Will's calling card or something._

ELIZABETH

(Hops onto ship and notices the lack of male hygiene)

Not more pirates.

MR. GIBBS

Welcome aboard, Miss Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH

OMG, it's the superstitious drunk from my childhood!

MR. GIBBS

Ignoring that.

(Turns to WILL, who has hopped onto the deck)

Where's Jack?

ELIZABETH

Jack? Jack Sparrow?

(Squeals like a fangirl, then notices WILL'S confused expression)

I mean grrrr...

WILL

Fell behind.

JACK FANGIRLS _scream in anguish._

MR. GIBBS

Keep to the code!

POEISMYHERO

Screw the code!

(Jumps into ocean)

I'm coming, Jackie-poo!

PIRATES _stare, puzzled, then go back to work, pretending that that never happened._

Int. Cave

BARBOSSA

(Walks forward and sees JACK)

Oh god. I thought I got rid of you!

JACK

You forgot one thing, mate. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!

BARBOSSA

We get it already! Yarr, but I won't be making that same mistake again!

POEISMYHERO

Yes, you will!

BARBOSSA

Shut up.

(Turns to PIRATE CREW)

Yarr! Gents, you all remember Captain Jack Sparrow?

PIRATE CREW _nods._

BARBOSSA

Kill him.

PIRATES _gleefully pull out guns. A few _1920s GANSTERS _pull out their tommy guns. _

JACK

(Extremely calm despite the fact that he has about 50 pistols and a few tommy guns pointed at him)

The dimwit's blood didn't work, did it?

BARBOSSA

(Pauses)

Yarr! Hold your fire!

PIRATES (AND GANGSTERS)_ groan and reluctantly put guns away._

BARBOSSA (CONT'D)

You know whose blood we need.

JACK

I know whose blood you need.

WILL FANGIRLS

NOOO! Traitor!

(Attack JACK)

Int. Interceptor

ELIZABETH

(Wrapping bandage around her hand)

What sort of man would trade a man's life for a ship?

WILL

(Thinks hard)

A pirate?

(Notices that ELIZABETH has, instead of wrapping her hand, has wrapped the table leg)

Here, let me.

(Wraps her wound properly)

You said you gave Barbossa my name as yours. Why?

ELIZABETH

Because Elizabeth Turner has a nice ring to it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: Thanks for the quote, Emma!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WILL _is so stunned by this, he tightens the bandage a little too tight. _ELIZABETH _screams in agony._

WILL

Sorry. I haven't been this close to a woman in...uh...

POEISMYHERO

Never?

WILL

(Glares at POEISMYHERO, who wisely decides to disappear in her purple cloud again, and turns back to ELIZABETH)

Anyway, I'm sorry.

ELIZABETH

Yes...I mean no...I mean ...uh...

(Curses script under her breath, then notices that WILL is done)

Don't stop.

WILL _locks eyes with _ELIZABETH_. Suddenly, sexy music starts playing in the background. _WILL _makes a move. _ELIZABETH _moves his hand down to her cleavage. _WILL _is surprised by how fast things are moving...and likes it. Unfortunately, _ELIZABETH _instead pulls out the _MEDALLION_ from her cleavage. _WILL _stares at it, puzzled._

ELIZABETH

It's yours.

WILL

(Pauses as he _slowly_ remembers)

I thought I lost it the day they rescued me. It was a gift from my father. He sent it to me.

POEISMYHERO

Odd gift for a "merchant sailor" to give his son, hmm?

WILL

Shut up.

(Looks back up at ELIZABETH)

Why did you take it?

ELIZABETH

Because I was afraid that you were a pirate. That would have been awful.

POEISMYHERO

But didn't you like pirates? And how would stealing a medallion make him less of a pirate?

ELIZABETH

Stop ruining the moment!

WILL

(Tries to act all dramatic and emo but fails miserably)

It wasn't your blood they needed. It was my blood. The blood of a pirate.

ELIZABETH

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me!

WILL _slams his hand down on the table in the frustration of not being able to act emo. _ELIZABETH_ can't remember any lines, so she instead uses another dramatic cliché and runs away, leaving _WILL_ alone with _POEISMYHERO._ Silence._

POEISMYHERO

Wanna go get some pizza?

WILL

Sure!

(Runs off with POEISMYHERO to get some pizza)

Int. Captain's Quarters

BARBOSSA

Yarr, so you expect me to be left on a godforsaken island and watch you sail away on my ship, yarr?

JACK

No, I expect you to be left on a godforsaken island and watch me sail away on my ship.

BARBOSSA

That's what I just said!

JACK

No, on _my _ship, savvy?

BARBOSSA  
But that still leaves me on a godforsaken island.

JACK

Think of it as Survivor: Godforsaken Island. That's how I survived.

(Takes apples while BARBOSSA rolls his eyes)

Although, I should be thanking you because if you hadn't left me on that godforsaken island, I would also be a gross undead skeleton man, same as you. Funny little world, isn't it?

(Takes a bite out of an apple)

BARBOSSA

My apple!

(Lunges at JACK)

JACK _holds the apple out of reach and taunts _BARBOSSA. BARBOSSA _kicks _JACK _and steals apple._

BARBOSSA

My precious...

JACK_ pushes _BARBOSSA _over and steals apple back. Then, they run around the room like Wiley Coyote and the Roadrunner._

JACK

I get to be the Roadrunner!

BARBOSSA

Why?

JACK

Because I'm smarter.

BIG SCARY PIRATE

(Enters cabin)

Captain...

(Notices cartoonish mayhem, sighs, and steals apple from JACK)

Captain, we're coming up on the _Interceptor._

BARBOSSA _sticks out tongue at _JACK _and takes apple back. _JACK _sighs and follows him, then sneakily steals apple back._

Ext. Black Pearl

BARBOSSA _walks onto deck and looks into spyglass at Interceptor. He then gets a good view up _JACK'S _nose when _JACK _appears._

JACK

I'm having a thought here, Barbossa.

BARBOSSA

Funny, I thought you too stupid to have a thought.

JACK

Why don't I scurry aboard the _Interceptor_ and negotiate the return of your medallion?

BARBOSSA

Yarr. Jack, we're pirates, not businessmen. Why go through all that trouble when you can just blow stuff up?

(To PIRATES)

Lock him away!

JACK _is carried away. _BARBOSSA _steals apple back, but realizes that it still has _JACK'S _cooties on it. Throws apple through hole in sail._

BARBOSSA

Yarr! Two points!

* * *

**Yeah, I wish I was a pirate. That would make the job of getting into my residence hall _so _much easier.**

**"Hmm, my card doesn't work? Again?" (Blows up the door and grins) "Well, what do you know? Now it does."**

**Yeah, it would be great to be a pirate...**


	11. Chapter 11: The Bore

**Hi!**

**I just gotta say...wow. It's great to get such a great (and hyper) review from a girl who's watched all three POTC movies at least 23345642246954838392029282282828282828282 times. Thanks, XObeautifulXdisasterXO!**

**Anyway, on with the show!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas.**

* * *

Ext. Interceptor

ELIZABETH

(Climbs onto hectic deck)

What's happening?

ANAMARIA

The _Black Pearl._ She's gaining on us!

ELIZABETH

But this is the fastest ship in the Caribbean! And they have freakin' holes for sails!

ANAMARIA

You can tell them that after they've caught us! Besides, they have a creepy fog around them for no reason. Creepy fog outweighs holes in sail.

ELIZABETH

(Suddenly has a thought)

Wait a minute, we're the heroes, right?

ANAMARIA

Aye?

ELIZABETH

Then can't we do something that they wouldn't expect and, using a great amount of special effects and explosions, possibly escape to safety?

MR. GIBBS

We don't have to outrun them for long, just long enough for the writers to figure out what to do next!

(Turns to crew)

Throw random stuff overboard!

ELIZABETH  
Why?

MR. GIBBS

Because it makes things look more interesting, that's why!

Int. Brig

BIG SCARY PIRATE _throws _JACK _into jail cell._

JACK

Apparently there's a leak.

(Sniffs)

And what's that smell?

(Looks to the right and grimaces)

So that's where the poop deck is.

(Peeks out hole in the wall and sees random stuff float by – and no, he's not looking at the poop deck, for those who are slightly immature)

Ext. Black Pearl

BARBOSSA

Yarr! Raise the sails! Bring out the cannons! Oh, and put up the clichéd Jolly Roger!

PIRATES _follow orders._

Ext. Interceptor

PIRATES _throw random stuff overboard. _WILL _tries to act heroic. He notices the Black Pearl is ready for battle. _MIDGET PIRATE _(there seems to have been a lot of dwarfism back then) unhooks cannon. _WILL _puts his foot on it._

WILL

We're going to need that.

POEISMYHERO

WHY WERE YOU THROWING IT OVERBOARD IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

MIDGET PIRATE

I don't know, I don't write this stuff!

ELIZABETH _looks dramatic as the Black Pearl catches up._

ANAMARIA

It was a good plan, until Jerry Bruckheimer showed up.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

I want fighting! Yay action!

WILL

(Appears in Errol Flynn costume and tries to act heroic)

We have to make a stand. We must fight! Load the guns!

ANAMARIA

With what? Thanks to the writers' poor planning, we got rid of those!

WILL

We'll fill them with anything, everything! Anything we have left!

MR. GIBBS

It's better than nothing.

(Shouts orders)

Int. Interceptor

PIRATES _fill up guns with silverware, Mr. Gibbs's flask, etc._

MR. GIBBS

(Wobbling worse than JACK)

Oh c'mon! Just one more - hic! - drink!

(Passes out)

MIDGET PIRATE

Someone help the drunk.

Ext. Black Pearl

BARBOSSA _loves dramatic moments, doesn't he? He also loves to cuddle _JACK...THE MONKEY.

JACK

(Peeks out of hole)

What?

POEISMYHERO

Nothing!

Ext. Interceptor

MR. GIBBS

She's catching up! We're doomed!

ELIZABETH

Drop the anchor on the right side!

EVERYONE _stares at her blankly._

ELIZABETH

On the starboard side, you dimwits!

WILL

(Quote from screenplay: "what the hell")

It certainly has the element of surprise.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: I just paused the movie right after Will said the above line, and I noticed something: in this exact frame, Will bears a striking resemblance to Billy Butcherson from the movie _Hocus Pocus_. Is this just coincidence or foreshadowing? Could this movie have more conspiracies than _National Treasure_? Does my hair look nice? Is it impossible to lick your elbow? Why am I still talking? Curse you, evil digression fairy!

Note of note: The evil digression fairy should not be confused with the evil pun fairy. While they are both invisible fairies - and downright evil - there is a big difference. The evil pun fairy likes quiches, while the evil digression fairy likes Chinese dumplings. Anyway, back to our show!

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ANAMARIA

You're crazy! You both are!

MR. GIBBS

Crazy like Jack!

ANAMARIA

And that's supposed to be good?

MR. GIBBS

I don't know, but the music people seem to like it!

(Turns to PIRATE CREW as triumphant music plays in the background)

Lower the starboard anchor!

PIRATE CREW

(Simultaneous)

What?!

MR. GIBBS

Just do it!

PIRATE CREW _does it._

Ext. Black Pearl

_Another quote from the screenplay:_ BARBOSSA _squints...What the hell?_

Ext. Sea

_The anchor finally catches and almost capsizes the boat – sorry, I mean ship (darn my infatuation with Jack!)._

Int. Interceptor

_A table tips over, candles and _MEDALLION _fall._

MEDALLION

Hello, fire hazard here!

Ext. Interceptor

ELIZABETH

(Notices that ANAMARIA is holding onto the wheel for dear life)

Let go!

ANAMARIA _reluctantly lets go. The wheel spins out of control faster that Britney Spears. Ship turns around._

Ext. Black Pearl

BARBOSSA

(Realizes what's happening)

They're playing the hero card! Prepare for battle!

PIRATE CREW _does that. The whole scene seems to turn into a college football game as _PIRATES _on both sides go into a screaming match as they stare each other down._

Ext. Inceptor

POEISMYHERO _blows the whistle._

WILL

Ten-hut!

Ext. Black Pearl

BARBOSSA

Fire!

Ext. Interceptor

ELIZABETH

Fire!

_Cannons are fired, _RANDOM PIRATE _falls into the ocean, etc., etc._

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Note: I'm surprised how big the crews are with all this falling-off-of-ships-and-getting-blown-up stuff. Just wanted to point that out. (Really long pause) Turkey!

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Int. Brig

JACK

(Ducks as a cannonball blasts a hole in his cell)

Stop blowing holes in my ship!

POEISMYHERO

But it's not your ship at the moment.

JACK _throws the cannonball at _POEISMYHERO. POEISMYHERO _ducks and the cannonball misses her._

POEISMYHERO

(Sighs)

Now if only I could dodge _real _objects as easily.

Ext. Ships

_Booms, screams, yada, yada, yada._

Int. Black Pearl

PINTEL AND RAGETTI _load cannon when the dancing silverware from Beauty and the Beast appear out of nowhere and attack them. A fork gets itself stuck in _RAGETTI'S _wooden eye._

POEISMYHERO

Ew!

RAGETTI

At least it wasn't my other eye!

FORK

(Laughing madly)

That's what you get for making a PG-13 Disney movie!

PINTEL

That's not our fault, we're just the actors.

RAGETTI

(Agreeing)

Ruff!

FORK

Hmm, you're right.

(Pulls itself away from wooden eye)

Attack the director and the producer!

SILVERWARE _run away to do that._

POEISMYHERO

Okaaaaay, I'm going away now.

(Disappears in purple cloud)

Ext. Ships

_Random things explode. Do I even need to type this?_

Int. Brig

JACK _notices _MR. GIBBS'S FLASK _and tries to take a swig, but finds it empty. He gets so mad that his excessive alcoholism cannot be satisfied when he truly needs it that he hits the door to his cell with his head and knocks it open._

JACK

I thought it was shot open with a cannonball.

POEISMYHERO

Hey, who said fanfiction was truthful?

Ext. Interceptor

_Boom, crash, pink elephants, and gunshots._

MR. GIBBS

We could use a few more ideas, Elizabeth!

ELIZABETH

Ah...head hurts...too much...from thinking. Your turn!

MR. GIBBS

We need a distraction!

ANAMARIA

(Appears out of nowhere)

We'll give 'em her!

POEISMYHERO

Whoa, PMSing much?

WILL

We can't! She's not the plot twist!

ELIZABETH BASHERS

(Dejected)

Aww!

ELIZABETH

(Absentmindly looks down, then realizes that the MEDALLION is missing)

The medallion!

WILL

Oh crap!

(Dives below deck, but not before being shot Forrest Gump style)

Ow, my bum!

Ext. Black Pearl

_Bang, bang, blah, blah._

BARBOSSA

Yarr! Let's break up this monotonous fighting and board the ship!

POEISMYHERO

_Finally!_

Int. Interceptor

WILL _searches for the _MEDALLION_, who is either playing a really good game of hide or seek, or _WILL'S _just not manly enough to find it._

WILL

Hey, I heard that!

_Suddenly, there's ANOTHER explosion, and _WILL _gets shot in the butt again._

WILL

Ouch! That's not funny!

POEISMYHERO

(Laughs)

I think it is.

WILL _glares at _POEISMYHERO. POEISMYHERO _disappears in her purple cloud – again._

Ext. Black Pearl

_The mast of the Interceptor falls onto the Pearl. All _PIRATES_ flee except for_ BARBOSSA_, who doesn't even move as the mast, riddled with holes, falls around him._

POEISMYHERO  
Dude!

BARBOSSA

Isn't that an infected hair on an elephant's butt?

POEISMYHERO

No, that's just an Internet rumor.

BARBOSSA

Oh…yarr!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: I had a friend in middle school who _constantly_ reminded me not to call him "dude" because of this myth. However, the word actually originated in the late 19th century, used to describe a flashily dressed man or a city-dweller on the Eastern seaboard of the United States who vacations on a Western ranch (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary), so don't be one of those annoying "don't call me an infected elephant hair" people, because you're really annoying dudes.

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Int. Interceptor

WILL_ frantically plays hide-and-seek with the _MEDALLION_ (and he's losing) as water sprays onto him._

Ext. Black Pearl (stop with the constant scene changes already!)

BARBOSSA

Yarr! Let's crash this party! Jack, lead the way!

JACK (THE MONKEY)

(Leads the way)

Eeeek!*

*Translation: Charge!*

Int. Interceptor

WILL _bangs on blocked trapdoor, screaming for help. Unfortunately, the surround sound explosions muffle any sounds he makes._

Ext. Interceptor

_Pirates board ship. _ELIZABETH _FINALLY_ _gets to fire a gun, but she apparently doesn't hit anything. _DREADLOCKS PIRATE AND TWIGG_ go below deck._

Int. Interceptor

WILL_ uses some debris not as a lever to move the beam blocking the door, but to bang on the door, still screaming for help. _

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: It might be my ears, but I swear, at this point, WILL shouts "Baloo!" Is he quoting from _The Jungle Book _or something? Weird...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Meanwhile, _DREADLOCKS PIRATE AND TWIGG,_ in a cartoon-like manner, create a path of gunpowder towards several barrels full of explosive, unguarded materials._

Ext. Black Pearl

JACK _wanders onto deck unnoticed, despite the amount of pirates on board. He looks for an opportune escape, which comes in the form of a _REJECTED PIRATE_ on a rope. The _REJECTED PIRATE _falls, leaving a free rope that _JACK _catches._

JACK

Thanks very much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: Listen to the sound effect when Jack takes the rope. I guess the F/X crew decided to play a prank on Jerry Bruckheimer!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JACK _then comically plays on his improvised swing for a while, knocking out a pirate intent on killing _MR. GIBBS_ in the process._

MR. GIBBS

Jack!

JACK

(Pulls out flask)

Bloody empty.

(Leaves to go fight, leaving MR. GIBBS seriously confused, then angry as the emptiness of his flask seeps in)

MR. GIBBS  
(Fights PIRATES)

Yarr!

BARBOSSA

Yarr! No stealin' me word!

Int. Inceptor

WILL _is almost drowning in the water now (which means the ship should be at least tilted somewhat from all the water rushing in). He hears something and looks up to see _JACK (THE MONKEY) _holding the _MEDALLION_._

JACK (THE MONKEY)

Screech!*

*Translation: Nannie nannie boo boo!

WILL _lunges at _JACK (THE MONKEY), _but_ JACK (THE MONKEY) _scampers away, leaving _WILL _stranded again._

Ext. Interceptor

RANDOM PIRATE _grabs _ELIZABETH_. _

JACK

(Grabs his hand before he can decapitate her)

That's not very nice.

ELIZABETH BASHERS

Darn...

ELIZABETH

Why the heck are you guys so mean?!

ELIZABETH BASHERS

Because you'll kill Jack Sparrow!

ELIZABETH

Wait, what?

ELIZABETH BASHERS

Movie spoiler!

(Disappear in their own multi-colored clouds)

ELIZABETH _then hits _RANDOM PIRATE _in the face with the butt of her rifle, sending him flying into the water. Suddenly, gunfire resumes and _JACK _gets _ELIZABETH _out of the way._

JACK

Where's the medallion?

ELIZABETH

I thought you were dead and this is the first thing you ask me?

(Tries to hit JACK, but JACK catches her by the wrist)

JACK

(Notices the fine craftsmanship of the bandage)

Let me rephrase my question. Where's Will?

ELIZABETH

(Suddenly realizing that her boyfriend has been missing for the past ten minutes of the movie)

Will!

(Runs to see that her boyfriend is trapped)

WILL

(Gurgles underwater)

Elizabeth!

_Meanwhile, _JACK (THE MONKEY)_ attempts to escape the Interceptor with his stolen loot. _

JACK (THE PIRATE)

(Spots him)

Monkey!

(Runs after him)

ELIZABETH _tries (weakly) to free her boyfriend, but fails._

ELIZABETH

I can't move it!

_Suddenly, _RANDOM PIRATES _kidnap _ELIZABETH_, leaving _WILL _to drown – which you know is not going to happen because we still have half an hour left of running time that must be filled with main characters like _WILL_. _

Ext. Black Pearl

JACK (THE PIRATE), _meanwhile, almost catches _JACK (THE MONKEY)_, but _JACK (THE MONKEY)_ escapes and climbs onto _BARBOSSA'S _shoulder._

BARBOSSA

Yarr, why thank you Jack.

JACK (THE PIRATE)

You're welcome.

BARBOSSA  
Yarr, not you! We named the monkey Jack.

JACK (THE MONKEY) _grins (for a millisecond). _JACK (THE PIRATE) _is unsure of whether to be insulted, or to believe those fanfiction rumors..._

BARBOSSA

(Raises the MEDALLION in the air)

Gents, our hope of getting rid of this curse and sleeping with girls under the moonlight again is restored!

PIRATES _cheer. _JACK _gives a forced and very annoyed fake smile._

JACK

(Through clenched teeth)

You are _so_ not my friend on Facebook anymore.

Int. Interceptor

WILL _is now convulsing from lack of oxygen under the water and disappears from view as he sinks. _TWIGG AND DREADLOCKS PIRATE_ light the powder._

Ext. Black Pearl

PINTEL

Anyone who even thinks of the word "parley" will be forced to watch the remake of House on Haunted Hill for 24 hours straight - and that includes the sequel!

ELIZABETH_, who could have gotten free at ANY moment from her bonds, chooses this point to escape, only to watch the boat be blown to smithereens. _

BARBOSSA

Yarr! I blew up your boat, and now I have the medallion!

(Does his victory dance)

JACK

Aren't you forgetting something?

BARBOSSA

(Ponders this, then turns back to the wreck that was once holding WILL, they're _only chance of salvation_)

Aw crap.

ELIZABETH

You killed my boyfriend before I could kiss him, you jerk!

(Tries to fight BARBOSSA, but BARBOSSA grabs her)

BARBOSSA  
Geez, you're a weakling!

(Throws her to RANDOM PIRATES in boredom)

WILL_ suddenly appears out of nowhere (seriously, this guy was trapped in a boat with seconds to spare – how the hell did he get free? Is he seriously half-fishy?) and climbs onto the Black Pearl._

WILL

Barbossa!

EVERYONE _is shocked that _WILL _is apparently immortal (and half-fishy). _ELIZABETH,_ of course, uses this opportunity to, yet again, act dramatic._

ELIZABETH

(Dramatically whispering)

Will!

WILL

(Grabs a gun off of a crate littered with totally unguarded weapons and points it at BARBOSSA)

She goes free!

BARBOSSA

Who left their weapons in our enemies' reach?

_A _MEEK PIRATE_ raises his hand. _BARBOSSA _shoots him._

BARBOSSA

(Void of emotion despite the fact that his salvation is apparently NOT dead and magically appeared on his ship)

Yarr! What are you doing?

WILL

She goes free.

BARBOSSA

Yes, I know! You already said that! But you've only got one shot and we can't die.

WILL

Then why were random members of your crew crumbling after they got stabbed with a sword, or flew off the ships during battle and never resurfaced?

BARBOSSA

Yarr! This is an action movie! Details don't matter!

WILL _looks at _JACK, _who is practically on his knees._

JACK

Please please please please with a cherry and sprinkles on top, don't do anything stupid!

WILL _decides that he should do something stupid, and is obligated to run backwards and elevate himself on the ship's framework in order to it._

WILL

You can't die.

(Points gun at himself)

But I can.

ELIZABETH _faints. _JACK _contemplates shooting himself as well._

BARBOSSA  
(Confused beyond belief)

Who are you? Some main character integral to the story?

JACK  
No! He's…um…my cousin's sister's daughter's uncle's son from the looney bin. Thinks he's Errol Flynn. Lovely singing voice, though. Eunuch.

POEISMYHERO

How do you know he's a eunuch?

JACK_, surprised, is interrupted by _WILL _before he can respond._

WILL

My name is Will Turner. I'm NOT a eunuch, but I am the son of Bill "Bootstrap" Turner!

JACK_, sick of surprises and stupidity, just stumbles off camera. _PIRATE CREW _is stunned._

RAGETTI

Holy crap, it's the ghost of Bootstrap!

POEISMYHERO

Hey, that rhymed!

RAGETTI

What is it with you and rhyming?

POEISMYHERO

Hello? Edgar Allen Poe fan? Hence the name?

PINTEL

Who says "hence" anymore?

WILL (CONT'D)

Do as I say, or I'll be lost to Davy Jones's locker!

BARBOSSA  
Yarr, go ahead, we'll get you back in the third movie.

WILL

But you won't even get to the third movie if I die!

BARBOSSA

True…

(Sighs)

Fine, fine, name your terms. You're getting on my nerves.

WILL

Elizabeth goes free!

BARBOSSA

Yes, I KNOW! What are you, a parrot or something?

MR. COTTON'S PARROT

Hey, I heard that you *&#^(&#!

BARBOSSA  
Anything else?

JACK

Oooh! Pick me!

WILL

And the crew! The crew won't be harmed!

JACK

What about me, your best buddy?

(Sings and dances)

F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me…

BARBOSSA  
(Close-up on his _nasty_ teeth)

Agreed.

JACK _pouts._

Ext. Island

_Wideshot of island. Can anyone guess this cliché?_

Ext. Black Pearl

PIRATES _wear foam fingers and jerseys, cheering like Superbowl fans. _ELIZABETH_, not wanting to have to take another tetanus shot, edges out on the thin plank that looks WAY too long not to have broken by now._

WILL

Barbossa, you lying bastard! You swore she'd go free!

ELIZABETH _looks back, surprised by this dramatic outburst that totally makes the old_ WILL _look like a wuss._

BARBOSSA

Stop repeating yourself! At least specify when or where to set her free at before agreeing to a pirate's bargain, yarr!

PIRATES _laugh. _JACK _gives _WILL _an I-told-you-not-to-do-something-stupid look. _WILL'S _gag is put back in his mouth, surprisingly with ease (does _WILL _like his gag?)_

BARBOSSA

(To ELIZABETH)

Though it is a shame to lose something so Oscar-worthy.

ELIZABETH _perks up._

BARBOSSA (CONT'D)

So I'll be needing that dress back.

ELIZABETH _pouts. _JACK _looks up at the pirate next to him._

JACK

I always liked you.

DREADLOCKS PIRATE

Then what's my name?

JACK

Um…Bartleby?

RANDOM PIRATE _turns away. _JACK _sighs. Meanwhile, _ELIZABETHS _strips…down to her underdress (sorry, boys). She throws it to _BARBOSSA.

ELIZABETH

Goes with your black teeth.

BARBOSSA

(Feels the dress)

Yarr, still warm!

(Throws it to EXCITED PIRATES WEARING BEER HATS)

ELIZABETH _"moves stoically" (direct quote from screenplay) out to the end. _PIRATES _whoop and holler. _WILL _gives us an unnecessary dramatic close-up._

BIG SCARY GUY (WITH MODERN SOCIETY'S SHORT ATTENTION SPAN)

Too long!

(Stomps on plank, causing ELIZABETH to fall into the water)

_ANOTHER unnecessary dramatic close-up of _WILL. _Suddenly, _ELIZABETH _has magically learned to swim between her almost drowning at Port Royal and now. _JACK_, meanwhile, laughs along with _PIRATES _until he realizes he's the next contestant on The Plank!_

JACK

(To BARBOSSA)

C'mon, can't we let bygones be bygones?

BARBOSSA

No. Did you remember the island?

JACK

Yes, thanks for the irony.

BARBOSSA

You're welcome. Hopefully you can somehow heroically escape and defeat me once again in an Errol Flynn manner. Too bad sea turtles are becoming endangered!

JACK

What about Sweetness?

BARBOSSA _gets _JACK'S_ pistol,_ SWEETNESS.

JACK

Doesn't the brat get one, too?

BARBOSSA  
Nah, we had a few budget cuts in the ammunitions department.

(Throws SWEETNESS into water)

JACK _follows _SWEETNESS _and shows off his swimming abilities before surfacing with _SWEETNESS _in hand._

* * *

**If this program screws up one more time...(saves story)**

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Stop aligning my story to the left, you ungrateful website! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to center EVERY SINGLE line of dialogue?! (Strangles fanfiction program, then notices large amount of witnesses)**

**I was just...ah...**

**R&R! (Disappears in purple cloud)**


	12. Chapter 12: Stupid Again

**Grrrrr. I hate it when you find a comic you really like online and the artist only has 8 pages up. Grrrrr.**

**Sorry. I had to read Robert Browning for my Lit. class this week and he seems to be rubbing off on me. I'm also sorry for posting this a little later than normal (though I'm sure you're all still wide awake if you're anything like me). **

**Now to address Remmyblack's review (takes a DEEP breath) Thank you for your sympathy. Wow, you have a seriously talented friend. Yes, you are not the only one. I have had the "pleasure" of having not one, but TWO basketballs hit me on the head at the same time while some friends were playing hoops. Then, as I was passing a basketball later that period, a classmate came by and decided to show my friend the correct way to pass - by having the basketball almost break my nose. So glad I'm not in high school anymore... Yes, I have had different results for a mental illness quiz. I also apparently have the mental age of a three-year-old. Yes, I will include a NON-red, green or silver fox, but you don't have to give me chocolate. Unfortunately, I seem to have malformed tastebuds, as I am restricted to a carnivore diet (with an emphasis in Italian food) assisted only by water and lemon-lime gatorade. Chocolate to the average human is sweet, but to me chocolate is nauseously rich and bitter (sad, right?) However, vanilla ice cream does not have such a negative effect on my body, so I'll just take the ice cream minus the sprinkles, chocolate and cherries (did I also mention I don't like toppings?) However, as my human intelligence and reasoning did not reveal my hideous mutation and I did not inform you of it ahead of time, I thank you very much for the kind gesture and accept my ice cream happily.**

**And yes, I am a Harry Potter fan.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas...**

* * *

Ext. Drop Dead Gorgeous Island that I Totally Wouldn't Mind Being Stranded on with Jack Sparrow

JACK _and _ELIZABETH _run in slow motion onto the beach, _ELIZABETH _in a red one-piece carrying a lifebuoy, and _JACK _in red swim shorts, tossing his dreadlocks from side to side…_

JACK

Enough with the Baywatch reference!

POEISMYHERO

Aw, but I wanted to see you shirtless!

JACK _and _ELIZABETH _change back into their normal, drenched clothes, and look back at the Black Pearl, now plank-less._

JACK

Well _that_ was the lamest Disney ride ever.

ELIZABETH

(Shakes her head)

You haven't been in the new Tiki Room.

JACK _walks off to look for rum. _ELIZABETH _follows him._

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: If any of you (like me) were confused in the earlier chapter about Jack's situation with Will (the leverage thing, not…anything else), I _finally_ figured out what that was all about in this deleted scene from the screenplay.

JACK

Is there a problem between us, Miss Swann?

ELIZABETH

You were going to tell Barbossa about Will! In exchange for the ship!

JACK

We could use a ship. Fact is, I was going to not tell Barbossa about Will in exchange for a ship, because as long as he didn't know about bloody Will, I had something to bargain with -- which now no one has, thanks to bloody stupid Will.

ELIZABETH

Oh.

"Oh" is right! If you've been siding with Will all this time (which is unlikely, considering what I've written about him), this should really push you over to Team Sparrow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELIZABETH

Wait, weren't you marooned on this island before? We can use your heroic method of escape!

JACK

Why? The Black Pearl is gone, and unless you have a rudder and some sails hidden in your bodice – unlikely -

(Leans in to check, only to get slapped – again)

then by the time we win Survivor: Godforsaken Island, your boyfriend will be dead!

ELIZABETH _looks like she's going to explode. _JACK_, meanwhile, walks in a circle._

ELIZABETH

But you're Captain Jack Sparrow! You're the cover boy for this entire film series, you got yourself – not heroes like Will and I – transformed into a mechanical pirate for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, and you're the avatar for countless fanfiction fangirls! Are you the famous pirate I've read about in countless tabloids or not?

(Dramatic pause)

How'd you escape last time?

JACK

(Mutters under breath)

Darn it. Why do these screenwriters always feel the need to reveal backstories when the plot gets slow?

(To ELIZABETH)

Last time, I was here a grand total of three days. I wandered up to this fancy, beachside resort, had a talk with this Scottish fellow who acted like he was five, grabbed some rum and got drunk, then lounged in one of their beach chairs with my rum until they could get one of those whirly-birds out here.

(Looks at devastated Jurassic Park Visitor Center)

From the looks of things, I don't think they've been in business for a while.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: I know Jurassic Park wasn't in the Caribbean. I just put it there for comic effect.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JACK _then drops down into what used to be a wine cellar and clears the place of all its rum. A _RAPTOR _jumps out at him, but _JACK _just bashes it on the head with a rum bottle before returning to a _REALLY PISSED-OFF ELIZABETH

REALLY PISSED-OFF ELIZABETH

So that's it then. The grand story of the infamous Jack Sparrow. You sat on a beach, relaxing in a beach chair, drinking rum.

JACK

Welcome to the Caribbean, love. The closest you'll ever get to a Corona commercial without sobriety.

JACK _hands a bottle of rum to _ELIZABETH. ELIZABETH _looks off into the distance thoughtfully._

JACK

Um, you don't have to contemplate rum. You just drink it.

ELIZABETH

(Looks at the bottle in her hand)

Oh…okay.

JACK _seriously contemplates using _SWEETNESS _on himself._

Ext. Isla Nublar – Night

JACK _is in the middle of filming a Girls Gone Wild video with _ELIZABETH_, which is quite a feat when you consider that _JACK _is WASTED beyond belief._

ELIZABETH

I'm loving this!

JACK

Yeah, and I'm sure your parents will love it even more once they find this video hidden in your sock drawer!

(Pauses)

Really bad eggs!

(Falls to ground)

ELIZABETH

(Dancing in her wet dress and singing at the top of her lungs)

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is!

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas!

Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now!

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas!

ELIZABETH _then trips over the skull of _MR. ARNOLD _and falls to the ground next to _JACK.

JACK

When I get back the Pearl – and I will.

(Points pistol at scared screenwriters to prove his point)

We're all going to Vegas!

ELIZABETH

And you will positively be the most famous pirates in Vegas!

JACK

Not just Vegas, love. The whole world! The Black Pearl is not just a ship. It's…freedom!

ELIZABETH

Was that a dramatic pause I heard?

(Snuggles up _waaaaay _too close to JACK)

JACK

Aye. Want to hear some more?

RANDOM CHURCH LADY

(Pushes them apart)

Hey! Leave room for Jesus!

POEISMYHERO

Thank God I'm Jewish!

(Latches self onto JACK before being dragged away kicking and screaming by movie security)

ELIZABETH

Jack, I don't think I'm drunk enough yet for all this parody randomness.

JACK

Ditto.

(Twirls mustache up like the pirate Don Juan he is)

ELIZABETH

(Holds up her rum bottle)

To freedom!

JACK

To movie franchise!

(Taps her rum bottle before taking another swig)

ELIZABETH _puts the bottle to her lips, then stops, revealing herself to be a fake drunk, while _JACK _passes out from his excessive alcoholism._

POEISMYHERO

Jeez, your liver must hate you.

(Gets dragged off again by security)

Ext. Isla Nublar – Day

JACK _is sleeping as smoke wafts past him. He stirs._

JACK

Bacon?

JACK _wakes up to see that it is, alas, not bacon (or Beggin Strips). The smoke is coming from the large pile of burning rum. _ELIZABETH _chucks one of the barrels onto the burning pile with surprising (and suspicious) ease._

JACK

NOOOO! My rum! The rum is gone!

ELIZABETH

Yes, Sir Points-out-the-obvious-a-lot, the rum is gone.

JACK

But why is the rum gone?

ELIZABETH

One: Because your excessive alcoholism is getting on my nerves. Two: The entire Royal Navy is looking for me, and those flames are, like, skyscraper high! There's no way they'll miss this!

POEISMYHERO

Seriously? The _entire _Royal Navy? Don't they have better things to do?

JACK

But why is the rum gone?

ELIZABETH

(Glares at JACK and POEISMYHERO before plopping down onto the ground)

Just be patient. Give it a while, you'll see them soon. Hopefully before I go mad from all this silly nonsense.

JACK _pulls out _SWEETNESS_, then remembers that the ENTIRE Royal Navy is looking for _ELIZABETH _and wisely puts _SWEETNESS_ away. He then walks away from her in a huff, cursing her under his breath._

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: I love Jack's little voices right here! So cute! (Notices blank stares from readers) I have an obsession, okay?

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JACK _then sees ONE lone boat and a rowboat coming to the island and pauses._

JACK

There'll be no living with her after this.

JACK FANGIRLS  
Yay! Jack's still single!

(Tackle JACK)

* * *

**Well, we're getting down to the wire. Only a few more chappies before the dramatic conclusion!**

**(Suddenly a silver fox and a green fox tackle POEISMYHERO)**

**Silver fox: No, you can't end the parody!**

**Green fox: We won't let you!**

**POEISMYHERO: Wait, you can talk?**

**Silver fox: Duh!**

**Green fox: This is a parody. Reality's rules don't apply here!**

**POEISMYHERO: Really? Then I wish for Jack Sparrow to appear beside me!**

**(Jack Sparrow appears next to POEISMYHERO)**

**POEISMYHERO: Yay, my wish came true! (Tackles Jack)**


	13. Chapter 13: The Curse of Bad Writing

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA!!!!!!!!**

**Yes, loyal fans, we are at our 13th chapter, complete at exactly 13 pages! Spooky! Although, not as spooky as the dark rings under my eyes. I need to get some sleep before I turn itno an insomniac zombie. **

**Anywho, let's see what I got in my mailbox today! (Pulls out huge stack of reviews from mailbox) Let's see...Hallower...Hallower...Hallower...Hallower...Hallower...and Hallower! Yay! It's a new record! Congrats, Hallower, for being my most eager fan! (I'm not being mean - I really appreciate it!)**

**Thanks for the support this week, you guys, not just for the parody, but also for Poe! Yay Poe! calisurf also brought up an interesting idea...POTC: The Musical. I would watch it just to see Norry break out of his bubble and burst into song. It'd be funny as heck if he or Davy Jones began rapping. I think I would die laughing :)**

**Oh, and don't worry Devil'sAdvocate13 (another 13!). I will, eventually, make a Sweeney Todd screenplay. I just gotta get all this darn schoolwork out of the way!**

**And now (drumroll), the 13th chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my carzy ideas...**

* * *

Ext. Ship of the ENTIRE Royal Navy

ELIZABETH

We've got to dramatically save Will!

GOVERNOR SWANN

No! You're safely on a ship NOT inhabited by murderous drunks, so I will make you come back to Port Royal with me and act like I actually have authority over my way-past-teenage daughter!

POEISMYHERO

(To ELIZABETH)

Um, why did stains suddenly appear on your face and dress when you obviously didn't have them in the previous scene?

ELIZABETH

(Ignores POEISMYHERO)

But what about the plot?!

GOVERNOR SWANN

This clichéd plot twist is regrettable…but so was the decision to make an American Godzilla movie. At least no movie will get worse reviews than _that._

ELIZABETH

Stop shooting down my emotionally charged dramarama!

JACK

(Walks away from MURTOGG AND MULLROY'S really weak guarding skills – I mean he's not even chained up!)

If I may be so bold as to interrupt this dramatic cliché of parental authority that doesn't prevent anything, I'll address Norrington, whose had to stand here intensely staring at you two while you babble on.

(To NORRINGTON)

As much I despise this girl for burning all my rum, I agree with her. We should go back. The _Black Pearl_ – the last real skeleton pirate threat – is a sitting duck for your Royal Navy.

POEISMYHERO

Some *cough* Royal Navy. *Cough, cough* One tiny boat *cough* for a spoiled drama queen. *Cough*

GOVERNOR SWANN

You sound like you need a cough drop!

POEISMYHERO _glares at _GOVERNOR SWANN.

JACK (CONT'D)

Come on, Norry! How can you pass this up?!

NORRINGTON

By remembering that I serve others, not just myself.

POEISMYHERO

But if you got rid of the Pearl, then there would be less survivorless towns, which would be a great public service for you, Norry!

NORRINGTON

Shut up! And don't call me Norry!

POEISMYHERO

What about Shirley, then?

NORRINGTON_, fuming, stomps away up the stairs. _ELIZABETH _runs after him, desperate to have the spotlight back._

ELIZABETH

Norry, please do this for me. As a wedding gift.

NORRINGTON _almost falls off the stairs in shock._

GOVERNOR SWANN

Elizabeth…are you actually going to do something I approve of?

NORRINGTON _strangles the railing, his knuckles turning white as he bites his nails (on his other hand)_

ELIZABETH

(Holds out rose _Bachelorette _style)

Norrington…………………………………………………

POEISMYHERO  
Ugh, this dramatic pausing is so annoying!

(Presses fast-forward on her universal remote)

ELIZABETH

(After an HOUR of pausing)

Will you marry me?

NORRINGTON _gives a girly gasp and begins crying on cue, mumbling things in a high annoying voice to the point where no one can understand him._

JACK

Yes, weddings! I love weddings! Drinks all around!

MURTOGG (OR MULLROY – IT DOESN'T MATTER)

You're drunk.

ELIZABETH _looks like she's going to puke. _NORRINGTON_, however, is distracted by _JACK_, who interrupted his scripted emotional tearfest._ JACK _notices his intense stare and stops acting drunk._

JACK

I know. Take me to rehab, right?

NORRINGTON

No. You will instead lead us to Isla de Muerta and play the silent game the entire way there. If you do, I'll give you a cookie.

JACK

Yay, cookie!

(Hauled away by MURTOGG AND MULLROY, who are _finally_ being assertive guards)

Int. Brig

PINTEL AND RAGETTI _mop the floor (actually _RAGETTI _drags the wrong end across the floor in an attempt to mop). _PIRATES _all stand around watching them in the newly repaired cell, taking bets on how long it'll be before another _PINTEL AND RAGETTI _fanfiction gets posted._

MR. COTTON'S PARROT

You $%&*#!

MR. GIBBS  
Cotton says you missed a spot.

PINTEL _shoves the poop deck mop at _MR. GIBBS. WILL _watches this from his cell._

POEISMYHERO

How come there's, like, ten pirates in there, and you get a single cell.

WILL

Because I'm a senior.

(Turns to PINTEL)

So, you knew my dad?

PINTEL

Yeah, we knew him. Owed me ten bucks. He didn't think it was right what we did to Jack, so when we all realized we were cursed at our annual moonlit hot-tub party, he sent his treasure piece off to you. He said we deserved to be cursed for being pirate stereotypes instead of not-so-predictable characters.

WILL _looks emo._

RAGETTI

Look what I can do!

(Impersonates Stuart)

MR. GIBBS

Stop being emo, Will! Your father was a cool dude!

(Starts singing)

Don't worry, be happy!

PINTEL

Ugh, I hate that song! It always gets stuck in my head!

(Continues story)

Anyway, that didn't go over too well with the captain.

RAGETTI

Didn't go over well at all!

PINTEL

Stop repeating everything I say!

(Getting really annoyed with all these interruptions to his story)

This never happens to him!

(Points at MR. GIBBS, who is telling ANOTHER story – uninterrupted – behind his back)

MR. GIBBS

Not my fault everyone likes me better than you.

(Sticks out tongue)

PINTEL

(Fuming)

ANYWAY, Barbossa, being the jerk that he is, strapped Bootstrap's bootstraps to a cannon.

RAGETTI

Bootstrap's bootstraps…

PINTEL

(Glares at RAGETTI)

And last we saw of Bill Turner, he was sinking to the crushing black oblivion of Davy Jones' locker. Just in case you were wondering if your dad was an undead skeleton. Which he's not. He's dead.

POEISMYHERO

But that still leaves the question of –

PINTEL

Must you point out every plot hole in this movie?

POEISMYHERO

Yes. Yes, I do.

PINTEL

Of course, it was only afterwards that he realized we needed his blood to lift the curse.

RAGETTI  
That's what you call "ironic."

POEISMYHERO

No, it's called stupidity.

_Suddenly, _BARBOSSA _appears out of nowhere. Spooky!_

BARBOSSA  
Yarr, I came from the stairs!

POEISMYHERO

(Blinks)

Oh.

BARBOSSA  
(To PINTEL AND RAGETTI)

Bring him, yarr.

BARBOSSA _throws keys at _RAGETTI. RAGETTI _catches them in his mouth like a dog. _PINTEL _grimaces._

Ext. Isla de Muerta – Night

NORRINGTON _looks through the spyglass at the abandoned Black Pearl, then at the cave where disco lights and music blast through the night._

NORRINGTON

(Lowers spyglass)

I don't care much for the situation. Any attempt to storm the cave could turn into an ambush.

NORRINGTON _then becomes aware of the snickers behind him. He pulls out his sword and looks at his reflection in its shininess – and frowns. His eye is once again ringed with kohl._

NORRINGTON

Darn you, Sparrow!

JACK

(Struggling to keep himself from laughing)

Now, now, calm down, Norry. I'll go in and convince Barbossa and his men to come out in their little boats, while you all go back to the _Dauntless _and blast the bejeesus out of them. It's the easiest game of Battleship ever!

MURTOGG AND MULLROY_ finish up their notes_

MURTOGG (OR MULLROY)

Hope this isn't on the quiz!

NORRINGTON

(Glares at him)

Can't you use a better metaphor? You know how hard it is to sink the little boats?

JACK

Hey, I'm not writing this. Everyone in this parody is at risk, including the future Miss Commodore 1722.

NORRINGTON _contemplates this – but not before he wipes the kohl off his face with _JACK'S _puffy sleeve._

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Note: Despite looking everywhere (meaning Wikipedia and Yahoo! Answers), I couldn't find the supposed date of this story. However, since it was set at the tail end of piracy, I figured it was set in the early 18th century.

Note of note: Check out the Yahoo! Answers for this one. It's really amazing what people catch throughout the film. Now _that's _hardcore fandom!

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Ext. _Dauntless_

GILETTE (A.K.A. MAN WHO SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL)

It's for your own good, Miss Swann!

ELIZABETH

No, I have to tell him that the pirates are cursed! And this is NOT how the governor's daughter should be treated!

GILETTE  
Wow, you know what? I don't care! Oh, and don't worry about the pirates. A little mermaid flopped up on deck and told him the whole story.

(Locks ELIZABETH in)

ELIZABETH

(Bangs on doors)

Wait, how did the mermaid get on deck?! Did it freakin' fly onto the deck, 'cause it's pretty high! Did the mermaid have dreadlocks? Was it Jack Sparrow?!

(Turns around, flustered)

I'm so confused!

Int. Tunnel to Cave

JACK _rows his boat calmly towards the disco music. Suddenly, he stops and reaches overboard, pulling out a struggling fish._

JACK

Hey! I found Nemo!

NEMO _slaps _JACK _and _JACK _drops him go._

JACK

Darn! I could really go for some fish sticks right about now…

Int. Cave

BARBOSSA AND PIRATES _enter, dragging _WILL _along._

PINTEL

(To WILL)

No reason to fret. We'll just prick your finger, a few drops of blood, and you'll get a yummy little lollipop!

TWIGG  
No more mistakes! This time we spill _all _his blood!

WILL _looks like he's going to faint. _PINTEL _turns to _RAGETTI.

PINTEL

(Shrugs)

Oh, well. More lollipops for us!

PIRATES _stand around _BARBOSSA_, once again reverting back to their crazed football states as they chant together in unison. _BARBOSSA _gets ready for his Shakesperian spotlight. _JACK_, meanwhile, sneaks through the crowd, interrupting _BARBOSSA'S _speech. The cheering stops and _BARBOSSA _spots _JACK_, who is taking this moment to strike a few rockstar poses. _

WILL

Jack?

BARBOSSA

Yarr! It's not possible!

JACK

It is when I'm a main character!

WILL

Where's Elizabeth?

JACK

She's safe, like I promised, she'll marry Norry, like she promised – then divorce him in a couple of years and run away with the pool boy – and you're going to die for her, just like you promised, so we're all even.

WILL

I never promised to that!

BARBOSSA  
(To JACK)

Shut up! You're next, yarr!

JACK

Um, no thanks. I'm afraid I don't meet the height requirement.

BARBOSSA _rolls his eyes and bends forward to slit _WILL'S _throat._

JACK

Don't do it!

BARBOSSA

(Glances back at him)

Yarr, I'm an undead skeleton pirate. I really don't think I have much to lose right now.

(Leans forward again)

JACK

(Shrugs)

Your funeral.

BARBOSSA

(Rolls his eyes again)

Why shouldn't I do it, yarr?

JACK

Well, first of all, you're doing it wrong. Learned the right technique from a barber in London. Secondly –

(Slaps BIG SCARY PIRATE'S HAND off him)

Don't touch me. I'm worth more.

(To BARBOSSA)

Secondly, because the _entire _Royal Navy is outside waiting for you.

BARBOSSA

With a present?

JACK

No. With guns.

BARBOSSA

Oh.

(Pauses)

Yarr!

Ext. Isla de Muerta

MURTOGG AND MULROY _in a boat. Ugh._

MURTOGG  
What are we doing now?

MULROY

Do I have to remind you?

(Sighs)

Pirates come out, we go "Bang!", pirates go "Ugh!" and die.

MURTOGG  
I know why we're here, you big meanie! I meant why aren't we doing what Jack Sparrow said.

JACK

(Pops out of nowhere)

_Captain_ Jack Sparrow.

POEISMYHERO

(Crawls out of cave)

Jack, give me back my purple cloud!

JACK  
Never!

(Hops onto purple cloud and flies away)

Wheeeee!

MURTOGG AND MULROY _pause for a few seconds, trying to reason out the total randomness. _NORRINGTON_, not standing the silence and awkwardness of the situation, speaks up._

NORRINGTON  
We're not doing that because it was _Captain _Jack Sparrow who said it.

(Intensely stares at the disappearing purple cloud)

MURTOGG  
(Blinks)

You think he wasn't telling the truth?

POEISMYHERO _throws her shoe at _MURTOGG_, knocking him out before he start THAT up again, annoying characters._

Int. Cave

JACK _reluctantly gives the cloud back to _POEISMYHERO _and turns back to _BARBOSSA.

JACK

Sorry. Been under a lot of stress lately.

(Resumes negotiations)

Anyway, so you row out to the _Dauntless_, throw some people overboard, have an epic fight scene, yada, yada, yada – and there you are with not one, but TWO ships! You can take the big one, and I can take the Pearl, give you ten percent of my plunder, and address you as "Commodore Barbossa."

(Pauses)

Savvy?

BARBOSSA

Yarr, and I suppose in exchange you want me to not kill the eunuch?

WILL _looks up into the beam of heavenly light and smiles. He reaches, eyes brimming with tears of joy –_

JACK

No, you can kill him.

_The heavenly light disappears and _WILL _is sad again._

JACK (CONT'D)

Just don't kill him yet.

(Looks at WILL)

Wait until the opportune moment.

WILL

What?

JACK

(Flustered)

The…opportune…moment!

WILL

(Pauses, then nods in realization)

Oh! Okay!

JACK

(Turns back to BARBOSSA and scoops up some coins)

For example, after you've killed Norry's men. Every.

COIN #1

Ow!

JACK

Last.

COIN #2

Ow!

JACK

One.

COIN #3

Yow! I'm calling my lawyer!

BARBOSSA _likes this idea. _JACK _smirks and hides one of the coins in his sash._

WILL

I saw that, you traitor!

(His eyes get misty and his voice cracks)

You've been planning this all along, haven't you? Ever since you learned my name!

JACK

Uh, duh! Smartest character in the movie?

WILL

(On the brink of tears)

You…you meanie!

(Bursts into girly sobs)

BARBOSSA

(Interrupting WILL'S sobs)

I want fifty percent of your plunder.

JACK

Fifteen!

BARBOSSA

Forty!

RAGETTI

Eleventy-two!

JACK AND BARBOSSA _glare at _RAGETTI. RAGETTI _leaves._

JACK

Twenty-five. And I'll buy you a new hat. One NOT eaten by moths.

BARBOSSA

Yarr! We have an accord!

(Shakes hands with JACK)

JACK

(To PIRATES)

All hands to the boats!

PIRATES _don't move._

JACK

(To BARBOSSA)

Sorry. Your turn.

BARBOSSA

Gents, take a walk!

POEISMYHERO

Ooh, nice phrase! Mind if I use it?

BARBOSSA

Yes. Yes, I do.

_As _PINTEL AND RAGETTI _head to the exit, they are stopped by a group of _FANGIRLS _and a parasol._

PINTEL

Fangirls?

POEISMYHERO

(Backs away _slooooowly_)

Not just _any _fangirls. _Yaoi_ fangirls.

PINTEL'S _grin disappears._

PINTEL

Oh.

* * *

**Yaoi...(shudder)**

**Let's just say you need to be careful which mangas you breeze through at Borders. Especially if you're like me.**

**And yet, I can still read Kafka without batting an eyelash...go figure.**

**R&R!**


	14. Chapter 14: The Terminated Hiatus

**Hello all!**

**Sorry I haven't posted in a while. This chapter took a long time for me to write - it just would never end! Anyway, I wanted to point out that not only have over 50 reviews been posted (!), but I have also reached the average length of a screenplay in my parody. Crazy, no? I also wanted to give shout-outs to titvan, Arya Nuanen, Queen Nightshade, IHeartSPN, and RemmyBlack. I had no idea that I would gain not only fans in America, but fans in Australia, France, and the United Kingdom as well! As a United States citizen, it's an honor for me to tickle international funny bones. Thanks, and enjoy the show!**

**Disclaimer: I don not own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas...**

* * *

Ext. Dauntless

_The moon appears out from behind the clouds. _POEISMYHERO _floats next to it on her purple cloud (of awesomeness!)_

POEISMYHERO

(Sings)

Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at –

_Suddenly, _POEISMYHERO _is rudely interrupted by a flying boot. The boot knocks _POEISMYHERO _off her purple cloud and into the ocean._

Ext. Isla de Muerta – Underwater

POEISMYHERO _shoots off a large round of words that are, thankfully, muffled by the water. Suddenly, _FISH _swim away. Jaws music sets in as _UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATES _make their way under the boat and become _UNDEAD NOT –SKELETON PIRATES _in a very cool F/X fashion_.

POEISMYHERO

(Underwater)

Geez, how much did this movie cost?

(Pulls out waterproof laptop and Googles it)

125 million dollars?! That's over four times the budget of District 9!

UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATE  
Yeah, well, we didn't have a recession on our hands back then!

POEISMYHERO

True…

Ext. Isla de Muerta – Not Underwater

POEISMYHERO _surfaces for air – and sees a disturbing sight. _PINTEL AND RAGETTI_… in drag._

PINTEL

Don't shout it to the whole world!

NORRINGTON

God, those are some of the ugliest women I've ever seen.

(Sighs)

Hold your fire and look like you're doing something productive. Maybe they'll go away.

POEISMYHERO

Um, anybody notice the suspiciousness of two women rowing their boat in pirate-infested waters?

NORRINGTON

Can't talk.

(Shuffles papers)

Must not make eye contact.

POEISMYHERO _rolls her eyes and runs off to bother someone else for a while._

RAGETTI

(Twirling parasol)

This is just like what Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon did in Some Like It Hot. Except they were good guys. And the bad guys were gangsters, not pirates. And we're in pretty dressies.

PINTEL

Why did I agree to this movie?

Ext. _Dauntless_

UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATES _scale their way sneakily onto the boat._

POEISMYHERO

(Singing)

Spider-Men, Spider-Men, do whatever creepy pirates can!

Ext. Deck

GOVERNOR SWANN _approaches the _GUARD _for _ELIZABETH'S _"prison"_

GOVERONR SWANN

A moment, please?

GUARD _walks away and _GOVERNOR SWANN _knocks on the door._

GOVERNOR SWANN

Elizabeth?

(Blinks back tears)

I just wanted you to know that I believe you made a very good decision today. Couldn't be more proud of you! Especially since Commodore Norrington is paid quite handsomely.

(Pauses)

But, you know, even a good decision made for the wrong reasons can be a wrong decision. Like the American Godzilla movie.

(Shudders)

Ext. _Dauntless_

UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATES _get more camera time as they size up their prey._

POEISMYHERO

(In khakis)

Watch as the undead skeleton pirate, a rare but deadly species, sneaks up on its prey, the not-so-intelligent _miltis stupidis_, more commonly known as the "random soldier dude."

_Suddenly, _CARMEN GHIA _interrupts _POEISMYHERO'S _fascinating narration._

CARMEN GHIA

(To GILETTE)

Phillip, darling!

GILETTE _twirls around sur le pointe (on point, for those of you who didn't go through the agony of elementary school ballet). _

GILETTE

Yes, darling?

CARMEN

We're not alone…

GILETTE_, puzzled, looks through his telescope and sees _PINTEL AND RAGETTI _in drag and is distracted. Meanwhile, _UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATE _motions to his half-spider brethren to follow him with all the subtlety of neon tights._

UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATE  
Do you _have _to use a fashion metaphor?

POEISMYHERO

Yes. Yes, I do.

Ext. Deck

GOVERNOR SWANN

…And that's where babies come from.

(Pauses)

Elizabeth? Are you there?

(Opens door)

You better not be doing something cliché!

Ext. _Dauntless_

_A cliché rope made of sheets (how many sheets did she have in there?) leads down to _ELIZABETH _in an extremely convenient rowboat._

Ext. Deck

UNDEAD NOT-SO-SUBTLE PIRATES _sneak onto deck and kill _RANDOM SOLDIER DUDES. RANDOM SOLDIER DUDES _die. _PIRATES_, surprisingly,_ _remain unnoticed._

Ext. Balcony

GOVERNOR SWANN _looks at the cliché bed sheet rope._

GOVERNOR SWANN

My God…those are some really strong bed sheets!

Ext. Rowboat

RAGETTI

Yoo-hoo!

PINTEL

Stop that! I _really _don't want this popping up on my Facebook page!

RAGETTI

Say "Cheese!"

(Snaps picture)

PINTEL _punches the parasols out of the way and begins to strangle _RAGETTI. _Suddenly, they both realize that, lo and behold, there're skeletal. _

Ext. Deck

GILETTE _looks up from his telescope, his face turning slightly green. _PINTEL_, not knowing what else to do, shoots at _GILETTE. _Unfortunately, he has terrible aim, as he knocks off _GILETTE'S _hat instead of his head, and this FINALLY alerts the crew to the _UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATES _on deck._

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: I just paused the movie (at 1:51:20), and I noticed that Gilette has the funniest expression on his face, considering a bullet just knocked off his hat. Very funny!

Note of note: At this point in the screenplay, the text reads "SKELETON PIRATES ATTACK!" This is prime B-movie material here. Sigh. If only William Castle or Ed Wood were still around…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PIRATES _and_ SOLDIERS _fight. One _SKELETON PIRATE _flips a _SOLDIER _over the rail, then follows him, spreading out the tattered rags of his jacket._

SKELETON PIRATE  
I'm Batman!

GOVERNOR SWANN _picks THE WRONG TIME to open the door, as a _DEAD SOLDIER _is turned into Swiss cheese. _GOVERNOR SWANN _stands at the door, horrified._

POEISMYHERO

Um, governor? You _really _need to shut the door.

(Waits impatiently)

Anytime now.

GOVERNOR SWANN _shuts door._

POEISMYHERO

Finally.

(Sighs)

I'm getting fed up with all this bloody fighting. Where the heck is Jackie-poo?

Int. Cave

JACK _examines a well-endowed statue. _WILL _stands in front of _GUARD PIRATE_, and _BARBOSSA _sits on a pile of gold._

BARBOSSA

Yarr, Jack, I thought you were as predictable as the clichés in this movie. Turns out I was –

(Struggles to say it)

Wrong.

JACK

Nah, I'm just dishonest. A dishonest man can always be trusted to be dishonest. Honestly!

WILL

(Rolls his eyes)

Great, another bloody riddle.

JACK

It's the honest ones you have to look out for. Because you never know when they're going to do something…

(Looks at WILL)

Stupid.

WILL

Wait, you lost me on "trusting a dishonest person."

JACK _rolls eyes and kicks _RANDOM PIRATE _into water, taking his sword, which he hands to _WILL. WILL _then knocks _GUARD PIRATE _into water, who strangely did not have his sword out earlier, which probably makes him the worst _GUARD PIRATE _ever._

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Note: The pirate Jack tips over is the most intense looking rock-skipper I've ever seen. Just saying.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JACK _and _BARBOSSA _begin to duel. _WILL _turns around as _MIDGET PIRATE _swings sword._

WILL

Ah! You cut off my hands!

MIDGET PIRATE

Really?

WILL

(Shows untied - and still attached - hands)

Nope!

(Begins to duel with MIDGET PIRATE)

Silly pirate! This is a movie! Impossible stunts are totally possible here!

JACK_, meanwhile, slices off the feather on _BARBOSSA'S _hat._

JACK

Teehee!

BARBOSSA

(Fuming)  
Yarr! No one messes with Harriet!

JACK

Harriet?

(Laughs)

That's a lame name for a hat!

BARBOSSA

So is Hatty.

JACK _stops laughing. Meanwhile, _WILL _continues dueling. _MIDGET PIRATE _steps into moonlight._

MIDGET PIRATE  
Rawr! I'm scary!

WILL _punches him out. Meanwhile, _JACK _and _BARBOSSA _continue dueling. _BARBOSSA _leans in close, his yellow eyes REALLY grossing _POEISMYHERO _out._

BARBOSSA  
Yarr, Jack! You're off the map! Here there be monsters!

JACK

Your mom's a monster.

Ext. Black Pearl

ELIZABETH _rows up to the ship. She peers in at some _PIRATES _singing gleefully._

PIRATES

Food, glorious food!

What we wouldn't give for –

ELIZABETH _shakes her head at the pathetic sight and climbs up onto an empty deck. Suddenly, _SKELETAL JACK (THE MONKEY) _drops down, scaring the crap out of everyone. _ELIZABETH _is shocked, then glares at it._

ELIZABETH

You stole my camera time.

SKELETAL JACK (THE MONKEY)

Eeek…*

*Translation: Bugger.*

_As the pirates cut the cake, something thuds onto the cannon._

PIRATES

What was that?

PIRATES _turn to see _SKELETAL JACK (THE MONKEY) _dizzily sitting on the cannon._

SKELETAL JACK (THE MONKEY)

Oooook….*

*Translation: Never steal a prima donna's spotlight.*

(Slides off cannon into water)

ELIZABETH

(Looking down)

Ha ha, you hit your noggin'!

PIRATES _look up and spot _ELIZABETH.

ELIZABETH

Oops.

(Runs down stairs)

Int. Black Pearl

ELIZABETH _hears pirates coming and hides behind a curtain. _PIRATES _totally miss her, as an overload of F/X has a negative effect on intelligence. _ELIZABETH _continues down once they're gone._

Int. Brig

PIRATES _sit around in circle in jail cell._

PIRATE

And when I looked into the mirror, I was a beautiful milkmaid…

MR. GIBBS

Shh! You hear that?

PIRATE

Hello? Life changing experience here?

_Suddenly, _ELIZABETH _runs down the stairs._

MR. GIBBS

It's Elizabeth!

POEISMYHERO

No duh, Sherlock!

Ext. _Dauntless_

PIRATES _and _SOLDIERS _are STILL fighting. _PINTEL _and _RAGETTI _climb into the cannon hole. A _DYING SOLDIER _rings the bell._

Ext. Isla de Muerta

NORRINGTON

(Looks up from his papers)

Are the ugly girls gone?

(Hears bell and _finally _notices ship)

Make for the ship! Move!

Ext. _Dauntless_

DYING SOLDIER _is killed. Sadness._

Ext. Isla de Muerta

NORRINGTON AND CREW _head for ship with _NORRINGTON _at the head._

NORRINGTON

Lookie, I'm George Washington!

Int. _Dauntless_

PIRATES _fire cannons at rowboats._

Ext. Deck

GOVERNOR SWANN _peeks out through the glass door._

POEISMYHERO

Um, sir, that's not a good horror movie survival technique…

DEAD SOLDIER _hits door and slides out of sight. _DREADLOCKS PIRATE _spots _GOVERNOR SWANN.

POEISMYHERO

Hate to say I told you so…

_Suddenly, skeletal hands break through glass. _GOVERNOR SWANN _screams his head off._

POEISMYHERO

At least you locked the door.

_One skeletal hand grabs _GOVERNOR SWANN'S _wig. _GOVERNOR SWANN _plays tug-of-war with it._

POEISMYHERO

Dude, let it go! It's just a wig!

GOVERNOR SWANN

Can you please not make commentary? It's very distracting!

(Grabs blunt object and snaps off hand)

Int. Cave

_Fighting, fighting, and more fighting. Geez, I'm getting a work-out just watching this!_

BARBOSSA  
(Karate-kicks JACK)

Yarr, you can't beat me, Jack. I'm immortal!

JACK

Well, take this, you vampire!

(Stabs BARBOSSA)

BARBOSSA

(Looks down)

First of all, I'm not a vampire. Secondly, that's my stomach, not my heart.

JACK

I got excited. Lost my concentration.

BARBOSSA _rolls his eyes and stabs _JACK.

POEISMYHERO AND JACK FANGIRLS  
(Scream in agony)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

JACK _gives a horrified gurgle. _BARBOSSA _smiles – until _JACK _steps into the moonlight. _

BARBOSSA

Oh, come on!

WILL _bashes pirate in the head before looking up at _SKELETAL JACK. WILL _faints. Meanwhile, _SKELETAL JACK _rolls the coin over his fingers and smiles._

SKELETAL JACK

Couldn't resist, mate.

BARBOSSA _looks like he's about to explode. He hurls some coins at _JACK_, picks up his sword, and continues the duel. _WILL _wakes up, only to see that _MIDGET PIRATE _has come back for more punishment. More fighting ensues. Let's switch over to the next scene, shall we?_

Ext. _Dauntless_

_Rowboats are in extreme game of Battleship. Next scene!_

Int. Cabin

_Skeletal hand crawls across the floor. _GOVERNOR SWANN _freaks and grabs a rolling pin off the desk to fight the hand off with._

POEISMYHERO

Why is there a rolling pin in a cabin like this?

GOVERNOR SWANN  
It's a scroll!

POEISMYHERO

Oops. Sorry.

(Disappears in purple cloud)

GOVERNOR SWANN

No, wait! Help me fight this thing!

Ext. Deck

_Guns, fighting, blah, blah, blah._

Int. Cabin

_Victorious, _GOVERNOR SWANN _picks up his prize. _

GOVERNOR SWANN

Ha! I didn't need poeismyhero's help at all!

_Suddenly, skeletal hand comes back to life and tries to grab _GOVERNOR SWANN'S _wig again. _GOVERNOR SWANN _throws it into a drawer, but the hand vibrates the chest of drawers. _GOVERNOR SWANN _whimpers._

POEISMYHERO

Save it. There are people dying out there and you have to deal with a wig-obsessed skeletal hand. I think you got the better deal, my friend.

GOVERNOR SWANN

Friend?

POEISMYHERO

Um…scratch that last part.

(Pause)

Quick, to the cave!

(Disappears in purple cloud)

Int. Cave

_Fighting, fighting, and more fighting._

BARBOSSA  
Yarr, so what now, Jack Sparrow? Are we going to keep this bloody scene on for eternity?

JACK

You could surrender and give poeismyhero a break.

POEISMYHERO_, exhausted from non-stop typing, gives _JACK _a thumbs-up._

BARBOSSA

Um…no.

POEISMYHERO _sighs as the fighting resumes AGAIN, and _BARBOSSA _gives a loud (and entirely unnecessary) _YAAAAAAAARR!

_Sigh._

Ext. Black Pearl

SKELETAL PIRATES _look around as a large boat knocks them off the deck and into the water. _PIRATES _cheer._

ELIZABETH

Alright, then! Let's rescue Will! And – heave!

ELIZABETH _heaves on the boat, then notices the lack of strength surrounding her. She looks back at the _PIRATES_, who are all standing back from _ELIZABETH _like she has the plague._

ELIZABETH

Hello? Boat?

(Silence)

Come on, I need your help!

'S PARROT

No &$%#!& way, you crazy #%!$#%!

MR. GIBBS

Cotton's right. We've got the Pearl.

ELIZABETH

What about Jack? Your captain!

NICE MIDGET PIRATE

Jack owes us a ship.

MR. GIBBS  
And there's the code to consider.

ELIZABETH

Screw the code! You're pirates, for crying out loud! There're more like guidelines, anyway!

BARBOSSA  
Yarr, no stealing me words!

MR. GIBBS AND THE CREW _think hard about this._

Ext. Isla de Muerta

ELIZABETH _is alone in her boat._

ELIZABETH

Bloody pirates.

POEISMYHERO

And yet you're saving two of them.

(Pauses)

At least they helped you with the boat.

ELIZABETH _glares at _ _slowly backs away._

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: BTW, Mr. Cotton's parrot isn't alone in his…colorful language. Andrew Jackson, the seventh U.S. President, taught his parrot, Pol (short for Polly – of course), some not-so-nice words. Imagine being at the funeral and hearing the President's companion spouting words not even fit for a sailor to say!

Note of note: This is from Bart King's The Pocket Guide to Brilliance. It is a truly brilliant book. You will not be disappointed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ext. Deck

BRAVE SOLDIER _unsheathes his sword, but – epic fail! – is killed. _PINTEL AND RAGETTI_, still in their dressies, attack the _SOLDIERS. RAGETTI _looks out to sea and spots the Pearl slowly creeping away._

RAGETTI

Ruff, ruff!

PINTEL

What is it, boy?

RAGETTI

Ruff, ruff!

PINTEL

Timmy's trapped down a well? And our ship is sailing away without us?

(Looks out at the Pearl)

Bloody pirates!

RAGETTI

Hey, you stole my line!

PINTEL

Sorry. My bad.

Ext. _Dauntless_

NORRINGTON AND CREW _FINALLY make it to_ _the Dauntless._

NORRINGTON

Let's go, future Marines!

NORRINGTON AND CREW _climb aboard. _NORRINGTON _makes sure the camera notices him by shooting at _DREADLOCKS PIRATE. DREADLOCKS PIRATE _is NOT pleased._

PINTEL

Come on! Let's kick butt!

PIRATES _and _SOLDIERS _both kick butt. _NORRINGTON _and _DREADLOCKS PIRATE _duel intensely. _GILETTE_, meanwhile, gaily throws a…thing-a-ma-jig…at _BIG SCARY PIRATE. _Predictably, it doesn't work, and _GILETTE _seems helpless. _POEISMYHERO_ then stabs_ SKELETON PIRATE _and steals his sword, giving it to _GILETTE.

POEISMYHERO

I think this might extend your life span a little.

GILETTE  
Thanks!

POEISMYHERO

You're welcome.

(Turns to cameras)

See? I take good care of my characters!

_Suddenly, _RAGETTI _gets hit with the thing-a-ma-jig, popping his eye out._

POEISMYHERO

Um, not my fault.

(Goes off to fight some more – as that seems to be the only thing to do at the moment)

RAGETTI _runs after his rolling eye, causing several _PEOPLE _to trip and fall over the rail._

RAGETTI  
Sorry!

_Meanwhile, THEY show up. _MURTOGG AND MULLROY _FINALLY climb onto deck and see the chaos around them. They gulp nervously and do Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who will go on deck first._

POEISMYHERO

Come on!

MURTOGG AND MULLROY _shrug, shake hands, and charge into battle. And then we switch scenes._

Int. Cave

NOT NICE MIDGET PIRATE _lights up an explosive and throws it at _WILL. WILL _actionly dives out of the way._

POEISMYHERO

Why are you trying to kill him? He's your _salvation!_

MIDGET PIRATE

I'm not going to kill him! I'm just going to teach him the meaning of pain!

ELIZABETH

You like pain?

(Knocks out MIDGET PIRATE with cool staff thingy)

Try wearing an Iron Maiden – I mean, corset.

ELIZABETH _pulls _WILL _up and they gaze longingly at each other (gag). Suddenly, _ELIZABETH _notices _SKELETAL JACK.

ELIZABETH

Whose side is Jack on?

WILL

At the moment? Um…can I get back to you on that one?

ELIZABETH AND WILL _go back to fighting _PIRATES. _For some reason, all the _PIRATES _decided to get into a conga line at the exact same time _WILL AND ELIZABETH _ram them all together with the staff thingy. _WILL_ (the happy pyromaniac) lights one of the _MIDGET PIRATE'S _bombs and puts it in his ribcage, then he and _ELIZABETH _push the _PIRATES _out of the moonlight._

MIDGET PIRATE

Guys, we gotta move back into the moonlight!

(Looks up at other two pirates)

Um, guys?

ELIZABETH AND WILL _leap actionly out of the way as _PIRATE _chunks go flying. Hope you didn't just eat before you read that last sentence. Anyway, _JACK _sees _WILL AND ELIZABETH _and slits his hand on the _MEDALLION _before throwing it to _WILL_, who has magically appeared on the other side of the cave in an insane amount of speed. _BARBOSSA _cocks his pistol. _ELIZABETH _freezes and stares at _BARBOSSA _dramatically. _BARBOSSA _stares dramatically back. Suddenly, a gunshot goes off._

ELIZABETH

Oh my God.

(Clutches chest)

The Elizabeth bashing has finally caught up to me. The light, I can see the light –

JACK

You're not dead, Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH

(Looks up at the smoking bullet hole in BARBOSSA'S chest)

Oh.

BARBOSSA  
(Looks back at JACK, looking very intense)

Ten years you've carried Sweetness around, and now you waste your one shot? Yarr, and I thought you were smart!

WILL

He is smart.

BARBOSSA _looks back at _WILL_, angry that he interrupted his gloating. _WILL _holds the tetanus knife in one hand and the _BLOODSTAINEDMEDALLIONS _in the other, dropping it into the chest._

MEDALLION

Ow! That hurt!

(Notices blood)

Does anyone have a moist towelette?

JACK _looks dramatic. _BARBOSSA_, stunned by _JACK'S _uncharacteristic dramatic intensity, opens his jacket to see blood spurting out of his chest – ick._

BARBOSSA  
I feel……………………………………

POEISMYHERO

Okay, you should have seriously died by now.

BARBOSSA

Wait for it! ……………….cold.

(Collapses and drops magically appearing green apple)

Yarr!

(Dies)

POEISMYHERO

(Blinks)

Wow. Those were the lamest last words ever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: The funniest last words go to a general in the Civil War, who was observing the enemy infantry: "They couldn't hit an elephant from this distance!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WILL

Wow, poeismyhero. You just totally killed the mood.

POEISMYHERO

(Smiles)

I try.

* * *

**(Collapses from exhaustion)**

**Ow. This parody is tiring, but at least it's a lot of fun. It makes me sad that I only have one chapter to go...sniff.**

**BTW, I'm hoping in the next few weeks or so, once all this schoolwork is done with, to start submitting a non-parody fanfiction (le gasp!), although it will still be POTC and still be humorous. However, I will also be continuing this parody trilogy and more to come. Yay, writing!**

**See you soon! R&R!**


	15. The Conclusion is Long Over Due

**Hello, everyone! Long time no see!**

**Wow, that's a really weird expression. Anyway, I'm sorry this chapter took so long to write. From Rocky Horror Picture Show to PowWow (with Jim Gaffigan!) to Halloween to Humans vs. Zombies to The Barber of Seville to Punkin Chunkin to a five page paper on the trippiness only known as Symphonie Fantastique by Berlioz (google the program notes for this and you'll see what I mean), I had, like, zero time in my schedule for writing. I'm also participating in NaNoWriMo, so that means it will be a while before I post any new stories or parodies. However, you're welcome to encourage me (and I will encourage you NaNoWrimo writers as well) from my NaNoWriMo page, poeismyhero. Yes, I reused my username. It's cool.**

**Oh, and I'd like to congratulate Devil'sAdvocate13 for her first parody! Yay! I'm really proud of her and I hope everyone will support her.**

**And now, the moment you've been waiting for, the final chapter of Pirates of the Cocoabean: Curse of the Bad Parody!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas...and a Jack Sparrow hat :)**

* * *

Ext. Dauntless

_Fighting on deck ceases as dramatic music plays and _UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATES _become _NOT UNDEAD SKELETON PIRATES. _Surprisingly, _NORRINGTON AND CREW _aren't fazed (although, in all fairness, they were just fighting skeletons)._

DREADLOCKS PIRATE

Talk about bad timing.

(Dies.)

Int. Cabin

GOVERNOR SWANN _notices that the dresser no longer feels like it's having a seizure and checks the drawer to see why it has stopped, only to see something really disgusting which Disney, thankfully, doesn't let us see. I'm sorry, but after seeing _RAGETTI _practically use his eye for pinball, I really can't stomach any more gross stuff._

Ext. Deck

PIRATES AND SOLDIERS _stare each other down, despite the fact that _NORRINGTON _now has the advantage and can just end it all now._

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

No, more drama! We need at least a 78% certified fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes!

* * *

Note: The consensus for POTC: COTBP? "May leave you exhausted like the theme park ride that inspired it; however, you'll have a good time when it's over." (Rotten Tomatoes)

* * *

_Sigh. So _RANDOM PIRATE _looks up and notices that – hey, what do you know? – he's not skeletal! _

RANDOM PIRATE

Yay, we're not skeletons! Or werewolves!

POEISMYHERO

Took you long enough.

NORRINGTON

(Points sword at RANDOM PIRATE)

Great, now surrender or die.

RANDOM PIRATE

Mood killer.

(Drops weapon)

PIRATES _drop weapons and surrender to _SOLDIERS. RAGETTI _FINALLY finds his eye just when _TWEEDLE-DEE AND TWEEDLE-DUM _capture _DUMB AND DUMBER.

DUMB (A.K.A. PINTEL)

Um…parley?

POEISMYHERO

Wow, it's like an idiots convention!

(Notices glares and backs away _slowly_)

NORRINGTON

The ship is ours, gentlemen. Now get your filthy boots off my ship before I throw you off.

SOLDIERS

Huzzah!

POEISMYHERO

Huzzah? Really, you guys? As if you weren't nerdy enough?

GOVERNOR SWANN _hears publicity calling and joins the cheers, acting like he actually did something productive (not). He then procedes to – I wish I was making this up – wag his finger at a _"NAUGHTY" PIRATE_, then does a crappy _ROCKY _impersonation. Thankfully, before _GOVERNOR SWANN _can embarrass himself any further, the scene is cut._

Int. Cave

_Dramatic music, dramatic poses, yadda yadda, dramatic walking, etc., etc., _WILL AND ELIZABETH _stare dramatically at each other…_

POEISMYHERO

(Yells)

JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY!

WILL

(Yells back)

Stop killing the mood already!

ELIZABETH

(Feeling _really_ awkward after all the dramatic buildup)

Um… let's go back to the Dauntless.

WILL

(Perks up)

To make out?

(Pauses)

Oh, wait. You have a fiancé already.

(Pouts)

ELIZABETH _nods, fails to cry, then runs out of the cave. _JACK_, crown and all,_ _swaggers over to a stunned _WILL.

JACK

If you were waiting for the opportune moment…that was it.

POEISMYHERO

(Rolls eyes)

Please, he's the hero. He's going to get the girl eventually.

WILL

(Perks up again)

Really?

POEISMYHERO

Yeah…unless this is one of those movies where the chick dies after all the fighting is done, leaving the hero nothing to show for all his reckless behavior, in which the hero ends up being alone for the rest of his miserable life.

WILL AND JACK _stare at _POEISMYHERO_, shell-shocked._

POEISMHERO

(Notices stares)

What?

JACK

(Breaks silence)

Last one to the Pearl is a rotten egg!

(Runs off)

Ext. Isla de Muerta – minus the Black Pearl

ELIZABETH  
I'm sorry, Jack.

WILL

Sorry? If there's anyone you should be sorry to, it's me!

POEISMYHERO _punches _WILL _to shut him up_.

JACK

(Shrugs)

They're pirates. I really should have expected that.

(Pauses)

You think Norrington will let me off for good behavior?

Ext. Fort – Later

DRUMLINE _transitions the scene to _JACK _at the noose._

JACK

Apparently not.

SOLDIER

Jack Sparrow…

JACK

_Captain_ Jack Sparrow! Sheesh, doesn't coolness mean anything anymore?

SOLIDER _drones on while a certain character in a Musketeer outfit (guess who?) edges closer to _JACK. ELIZABETH _watches all this from her private skybox. _

ELIZABETH

This is so wrong. He's a main character who's _not_ involved in a tragic romance or sacrificing himself to save me! He shouldn't die!

GOVERNOR SWANN

Commodore Norrington must follow the law, as we all must.

NORRINGTON _looks down to prove his "guilt" (cop-out acting). _SOLDIER _continues._

SOLDIER

…impersonating a person of the Royal Navy, impersonating a cleric of the Church of England…

JACK

Ah, good times.

POEISMYHERO

Yeah, I know. I read the massive amount of fanfictions on it.

JACK

Really?

POEISMYHERO

No. I did read one, though. Can't remember the title…

MR. COTTON'S PARROT

(Flies in and lands on flag)

Stop digressing and pay attention to me, you !%$^*(%$#!

(Poops on MURTOGG AND MULLROY – now with fancy white wigs!)

WILL _spots _MR. COTTON'S PARROT _and remembers what he's supposed to be doing. Walks over to _ELIZABETH'S _skybox._

WILL

Hey, everybody – and Elizabeth.

(To ELIZABETH)

I should have told you every day from the moment I met you…

(Pauses………………………………..)

POEISMYHERO

My God, just spit it out!

WILL

I love you.

ELIZABETH AND POEISMYHERO

_Finally!_

NORRINGTON AND GOVERNOR SWANN_, surprised, look over at a squealing _ELIZABETH. ELIZABETH _notices them and regains her dramatic composure. _WILL _walks away before _ELIZABETH _can respond with words. Suddenly, the droll ceremony finally gets exciting (and by that I mean terrifying) as _JACK _faces the noose. _ELIZABETH _notices _MR. COTTON'S PARROT_, then looks back at _WILL_, who's crawling over the crowd like _CROCODILE DUNDEE_. _

NORRINGTON

(Steps forward)

Marines…

ELIZABETH

(Puts two-and-two together and creates a _very_ original distraction)

I…can't breathe.

(Fake faints)

_It's not original, but it works as _GOVERNOR SWANN AND NORRINGTON _rush to her side. _WILL_, meanwhile, pulls out his sword, and punches little old ladies out of the way as _EXECUTIONER _pulls the lever. _ELIZABETH _"magically" wakes up to see what will happen. _JACK _drops to the anguished screams of _JACK FANGIRLS _– onto _WILL'S_ impeccably timed sword. _JACK FANGIRLS _breathe a sigh of relief. _NORRINGTON_, noticing that _ELIZABETH _has miraculously recovered, runs into the crowd. _WILL_, meanwhile, pulls out ANOTHER sword and starts fighting the _EXECUTIONER.

POEISMYHERO

(To SOLDIER)

Your security really sucks around here.

SOLDIER

Blame budget cuts.

EXECUTIONER _cuts through rope, dropping _JACK _to the ground. _WILL _knocks _EXECUTIONER _off and _EXECUTIONER _fails to execute (evil pun fairy!) a crowd surf. _JACK_ gets up, surprisingly fine, slices rope off with _WILL'S _sword and runs off. _WILL _does an unnecessary somersault and joins him. They both grab some rope and use it in cartoon-like fashion to stop _DUMB SOLDIERS. _Unfortunately, after another unnecessary (but nicely in-sync) somersault, _WILL AND JACK _find themselves surrounded. _

NORRINGTON

(Slips in like a NINJA!)

I thought an ill-conceived escape might have been attempted – but not from you, Turner.

GOVERNOR SWANN

(Also slipping in)

How could you, Will? I granted you clemency, and this is how you repay me? By joining up with a pirate?

* * *

Note: Clemency (n.) - An act that bestows or shows mercy toward another person. (Encarta Dictionary)

Note of note: Why did only Will get mercy? What happened to "bound to the law?" Pirate haters!

* * *

WILL

And a good man!

(Throws aside sword)

If all I have achieved here is that the hangman will earn two pairs of boots instead of one ... So be it. At least my conscience will be clear.

JACK

Hey, he's not earning mine, buddy! These boots are Italian!

NORRINGTON

You forget your place, Turner.

POEISMYHERO

And you seriously need to stop impersonating Alan Rickman.

WILL

(Waits for dramatic music to kick in)

My place…is here…between you and Jack.

POEISMYHERO

Wow, that couldn't possibly be construed to have homosexual meaning.

YAOI FANGIRLS  
Yay, artistic interpretation!

ELIZABETH

(Steps in)

It's my place as well.

YAOI FANGIRLS  
Curse you, Elizabeth!

(Run away – because the author told them to)

GOVERNONR SWANN

Lower your weapons!

SOLDIERS _lower weapons (technically, they raise them, but whatever)._

NORRINGTON

So I suppose the wedding's off, then?

ELIZABETH

Yeah, it was kind of obvious.

NORRINGTON

Fine, but you're picking up the tab.

JACK_, who has been surprisingly quiet this whole time (wow, so many surprises!), looks up to see _MR. COTTON'S PARROT_._

JACK

Well, I'm feeling rather good about this, and I won't ruin it with my presence.

(To NORRINGTON)

Btw, I was rooting for you. Heroes shouldn't always get the girl, you know. Terribly predictable.

(To ELIZABETH)

Elizabeth, it never would have worked between us, darling. I'm sorry.

POEISMYHERO

I have a few fanfictions that say differently…

JACK (CONT'D)

(To WILL)  
Will…nice hat. Especially considering that I've been missing my own hat for, like, half the movie.

* * *

Note: Seriously, it has. Somehow, it got lost between Jack meeting Barbossa again in the cave and telling him who's blood he needed to when Jack's juggling apples in Barbossa's cabin. My theory is that Barbossa got jealous of Jack's awesome hat and stole it.

Note of note: On a different note (seriously, pun fairy?), I went to see The Barber of Seville last week. Not only was the opera AMAZINGLY funny (original parody!), but the guy playing Figaro (who was incredibly smexy and sang his arias _perfectly_) added an official Jack Sparrow hat to his costume. Yay!

* * *

JACK (CONT'D)

(Walks up to Parapet)

Friends, enemies, and random midgets! This is the day you will always remember as the day that you –

(Suddenly is interrupted by an inopportune trip and falls off side)

NORRINGTON AND CREW _rush over to see _JACK _land headfirst into the water (ouch!)._

GILETTE  
Idiot. He has nowhere to go but back to the noose!

_Suddenly, the non-creepy Black Pearl appears._

GILETTE  
Spoke too soon.

JACK _smiles and begins to swim over to the boat – I mean ship. Darn you, Jack!_

GILETTE

(To NORRINGTON)

What's your plan of action, sir?

(Gets no response)  
Um, hello, plan?

NORRINGTON _remains speechless. Finally, _GOVERNOR SWANN _is forced to speak for him._

GOVERNOR SWANN

Perhaps it is possible that on the rare occasion when pursuing the right demands an act of piracy, piracy can be the right course?

NORRINGTON  
(Sighs)

Yes, thank you Confucius.

GOVERNOR SWANN

Who?

NORRINGTON

(Facepalms, then turns to WILL)

Mr. Turner?

WILL

(Gazes longingly into ELIZABETH'S eyes)

I will accept the consequences for my actions.

POEISMYHERO _gags._

NORRINGTON

(Pulls out sword)

This is a very nice sword. I expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in all aspects of his life.

POEISMYHERO

I thought everyone thought the other dude made them.

WILL

Yay, I'm appreciated!

NORRINGTON _then turns to leave the madness of this whole bloody parody behind._

GILETTE  
Commodore! What about Sparrow?

NORRINGTON

(Pauses)

Oh, I think we can afford to give him one day's head start. If you need be, I'll be in my trailer, getting a long-deserved massage.

(Leaves with SOLDIERS and a pouty GILETTE)

NORRINGTON

(To ELIZABETH)

So, this is the man you've chosen. After all, he _is _a blacksmith.

POEISMYHERO

You're _still _prejudiced? After he rescued your only daughter? Geez, what a snob!

ELIZABETH

No…

(Takes off WILL'S hat)

He's a pirate.

(Kisses WILL)

POEISMYHERO  
_FINALLY!!!!!!_

GOVERNOR SWANN _smiles and walks away, leaving the two lovebirds alone to make out._

Ext. Black Pearl

_The _BLACK PEARL _with her _PIRATE CREW _comes in. _MR. COTTON _throws a line to _JACK _and pull him up in a very AWESOME fashion._

POEISMYHERO

Me next, me next!

JACK

(To MR. GIBBS)

Thought you were supposed to keep to the code.

MR. GIBBS

Screw the code! We're pirates!

(Helps JACK up)

MR. COTTON _then gives _JACK HATTY _back._

JACK

(Hugs HATTY)

Oh, Hatty! I missed you so much!  
(Notices confused stares from PIRATE CREW and shuts up)

ANAMARIA

Captain Jack Sparrow.

JACK

Yay, you got it right!

ANAMARIA (CONT'D)

(Gives JACK his equally long-missing coat)

The Black Pearl is yours. And I'll be expecting a replacement for my ship in two weeks.

JACK _smiles and walks over to the wheel of the _BLACK PEARL. _He strokes it tenderly, feels the smooth wood under his hands…notices that he isn't alone._

JACK

On deck, you scurvy dogs!

PIRATE CREW _follows _JACK'S _orders and man the ship._

JACK

Now, bring me that horizon.

(Sings a little ditty as he pulls out his compass)

And really bad eggs. Drink up me hearties, yo ho!

THE END

* * *

***Sniff, sniff* So beautiful...**

**Thank you everyone for supporting me in this parody. You've all been very helpful in my writing and I encourage you all to continue writing, no matter if it's fanfiction or it's a fully published novel. As a Creative Writing major in college, I realize the importance of learning how not only to write a good paper, but also to be able to express your ideas, no matter how silly or nonsensical they are.**

**Alright, no more gushiness. I hate it when people cry. They take all my tissues.**

**So, yeah, it's FINALLY done. After 138 pages and 25, 313 words (not including comments), this project is finished.**

**However, if you're still feeling a little down and you feeling a little obssessive, here's some things that can keep you busy while I'm on hiatus.**

**1. Find out how much moolah Barbossa has earned with all his "yarr!"s.**

**2. Search for the Colbert Report allusion I made in the parody.**

**3. Take what you've learned from my awesome observations and come up with your own stories. They don't have to be parodies (or even related to this parody), just as long as you're giving back to the fanfiction community**

**4. ** **Check out my favorite books, movies, and more on my profile and see what's inspired my writing. You may find something interesting you haven't seen before (personally, I recommend Dark Shadows for fans who love good old cheesiness).**

**5. Don't be a Mary Sue - live your life. If you see a cute guy in the elevator, TALK TO HIM! Same for cute girls. Go grab some popcorn and see a movie with friends. And do stuff outside of your comfort zone. Had I not gone punkin chunkin, I wouldn't have be invited to an audition (long story). So have fun, stay safe, and watch out for falling chandliers.**

**See ya!**


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